That's it. I need a wife. Or sleep. Or cake. Yes. I need cake. With wine. Lots of wine. And a vacation. A very, very, long vacation.
I can't have any of those things right now, so I'm on strike. There ungrateful family I bust my ass for, take that!
Indulge my selfish tantrum, will you? Ready? Go!
Why is it so hard for those around me to think like me? If you know me as well as you do, wouldn't you know how to make me happy? It's not hard. Do what I ask. It's simple, really.
Wouldn't you know when I say something I'd like, say, for my birthday, you should pay attention? Because I really don't ask for much and I bust my ass giving of myself, my time, my energy, my thoughtfulness to others? Because I sacrifice MY time and don't get to do the things I want to do for fun in order for others around me to be able to get to do what they want. Because having things in order and making people happy is what I want for them and for me, for the world, really. Peace, love and happiness. Right. Piece of cake. Not.
Clearly I never appreciated my mother enough. Mom, I'm sorry. You rock. This whole work full time, feed your family, arrange your life to accommodate theirs, support their hobbies and pursuits and give up your own and lose sleep, self-nurturing and any time to accomplish anything remotely fun or productive in one sitting if at all is exhausting. It's a thankless and unpaid job. It's 24/7/365 for years and years and years....
Sure, the family is thankful they get fed, have a somewhat clean house, clean clothes to wear, get to where they need to go and back again and their 'special' days are remembered in a special way. They don't have any idea how challenging (or expensive financially, emotionally, or spiritually) it is to manage it all because they don't do it. I know I didn't when I was the kid. I've always been the S.O. that holds it all together and everyone has always been all to willing to let that happen, therefore my 'other half', no matter who it has been, has never known what it's like to be 'super-mom' or even just the woman who does the planning. They all seem happy to be absolved of decision making and responsibility. Lovely. We're on our way to creating a wonderful future.
Let me tell you, it's exhausting. It's never-ending. And I need a break!!!!!! IF I had the energy, I'd be rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming like a toddler right about now. They are so lucky they can do that! It's such a fabulous expression of frustration and release of emotion. Kids are smart. That can be a double edged sword...That's a different blog entry.
Telling me not to worry does not help. Telling me it will 'all get done', doesn't help. Telling me 'it will be okay' does not make me feel any better. Telling me you will help but not telling me how or when doesn't ease my anxiety and stress. I know how much time it takes, I know what's on my list and what the deadlines are. I know I can't sleep and get it all done. I. Can't. Do. It.
Case in point. The dinner I started to make myself (after my family forgot I said I'd make grilled cheese for them) 3.5 hours ago is still on the stove. Cold. Because I keep getting distracted by various things and people who live in this house and had to be picked up from the soccer practice I was not informed of until this afternoon. Now they made dinner for themselves. Did they offer to make any for me? Nope. Now I'm so frustrated I've lost my appetite and my desire to work on my gazillion item to do list. This does not bode well...
Hello wall. Meet my absolutely dejected and woefully selfish tear-stained face. *thud*
All I wanted was someone to pay attention, to think for a moment, "What would Kim do? What would she really like?" "What can I do for HER?" Who does that? No one. That's who. Not without prodding. Not without suggestion. Not without direct instruction. Hell, even with all of that, it doesn't happen.
When I said quite clearly all I wanted was to not have to do my usual 'responsibilities', that was really what I wanted. Basically, for someone else to make the sacrifices for a day. To do what I do so I didn't have to. To plan the meals, make the breakfast, lunch and dinner, get the kids up and and out so I could sleep for a change, to do the pick ups and drop offs and to procure my favorite cake. A card would be nice. Some words from the heart that show me that I hold some place of honor in your heart. I like to give cards. I like to get cards. Meaningful ones. Not a 'here is a card because you want a damn card' card. Is that too much to ask? Or maybe too much to expect one to remember? Is it too much to expect that planning it for a day I don't have to work all day might be even nicer so I get an entire day of pampering or just a break instead of 2 hours?
The answer, if you are wondering, to all of the above, is apparently yes. Was it just forgotten? Was is presumed "Oh, she doesn't want that." Maybe, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Maybe she DOES want to be celebrated once in a while. Just a little. She wants someone to remember HER special day.
I want it to be all about me! Just for one freakin' day a year. Ok, two. Mother's day I should have off as well, as should all mothers!
Now, you probably say it's my own damn fault. My expectations are too high. I was the one what had the kids and let them be involved in all these sports. I'm the one who set the bar by just doing it all in the first place and not demanding help on a regular basis. I have my reasons and they are valid. Why should I expect someone who is not legally or genetically tied to them (or even those that are for that matter) to participate in my hell on a regular basis? I shouldn't. And I'm not expecting that or asking for it. I'm asking for ONE day.
Perhaps I'm being irrational. Clearly, I'm irritated. You would be too if you saw my calendar and lived my life. I'm sure many of you have similar stress and I hear you.
I am getting married to the love of my life in less than 3 weeks. I do not want to have this level of busy-ness and stress in my life right now. I want to enjoy the process, I want to relax, I want to be present for all of it. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything because all I do is go, go go. It's so hard to be present, remember and enjoy life when you can't do everything you need to do and no one is doing it for you.
It kills me to have to ask for help. It kills me to not be able to do it all. It kills me that I have these feelings and expectations. It kills me that I'm being so God damn selfish. It kills me that I am even writing this because dammit I'm not *that* girl, except right now, I am.
Is starting a one-woman revolt the answer? I've been on strike before. It wakes them up for a few hours. It's a long walk to soccer practice. Eventually, we'll run out of food. Eventually, their clothes will all be dirty. Eventually, they'll notice I'm not around. They'll need to find someone else to help them with their homework or their fail out of school. Eventually their soccer coaches will start sending nasty emails because they are not at practice. Eventually the electricity will be shut off. Eventually they will wonder where the heck I went. Maybe they'll even show gratitude and respect and do more....Maybe I'm delusional.
Or maybe someone will just drop a house on me. Don't make me get my flying monkeys...
I dare you. Cross my one woman picket line. Please. I beg of you.
Calgon, take me away!