As I sit in your bedroom on this, the 10th anniversary of your death, I find myself thinking not only of your short three years here on earth, but wondering what you would be like today, had the unthinkable not happened. Who would you be? What would you have become? You would be a teenager now!
Your twin brother is thirteen. He is growing like the proverbial weed. Ky-ole is over 6 feet and already a junior in high school! How tall would you be now? What would you look like? What would your voice sound like? Would your eyes still hold that same wisdom? Would the boys be chasing you or would you be chasing them? Never mind, I already know the answer to that one...
I gaze at the little lock of hair tied with a pink ribbon the nurses gave us the day you died. I can’t help but wonder, would your hair be long or would you prefer a pixie cut? You never were one for keeping the “pretties” in for very long. I wonder if your hair would still be that beautiful golden blonde or if it would have darkened like both of your brothers’ hair did.
Would you be a girly-girl or more of a casual tomboy? You liked to dress up but you also liked to be naked just as much! You loved both your Tinker Bell jammies and your dinosaur jammies. Your grandmothers would have kept you well supplied with girly clothes whether you liked it or not!
As I glance at the finger paintings and drawings you made, I can’t help but wonder, would you have been an artist? You loved to paint! You were very crafty. Your hand and foot prints look so tiny now.
I remember how active and busy you were. Would you be a dancer, gymnast, or soccer player like your brothers are? I bet you’d have done all three of them! Or, maybe you’d have done something entirely different. My money is on gymnast.
Would you still have a love of kitties, all things pink and sparkly, and Tinker Bell, or, would your tastes have changed? Would you still be silly and playful? I hope so. I bet you would be. Bampy would make sure you didn’t lose that!
Would you enjoy running 5k’s with your mother in silly costumes or would you roll your eyes in embarrassment like the boys do now? You always did run fast! I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up with you. I can’t keep up with your brothers, either.
What would dinner time be like if you were here? Would the family dynamic be significantly different? Would you still like Veggie Booty? Does anyone else even eat Veggie Booty?
If you continued to command attention the way you used to, I’m sure it would be different! You would have had your big brothers both wrapped around your little finger! I bet there would be a lot more arguments about which movie we watch or what game we play. Your brothers would have learned so much more about dealing with girls… and young women. No doubt, you’d have set them straight and kept them in line. They would have been fiercely protective of you, too.
I wonder if it would have been a Frozen Christmas this year… Maybe we all would have gone to the Village for Christmas. Auntie T would have totally sucked you in to glow with the show ears at Disney World! Grammie and Bampy probably would have spent an arm and a leg to take you to the Bippidi Boppity Boutique so you could be a princess. We would have had matching Tinker Bell wings and wands! :-)
Speaking of Christmas, I know the joy of the season would be back if you were still with us. So much of the joy and sparkle of the season died with you. It’s been such a struggle to get it back. I try, but it’s so hard. I know you send love and light every year, and occasionally throw down an angel or an ornament just to let us know your playful side is still with us. Still, we miss you so much it hurts. It literally hurts.
Instead of holding a photograph of you for the big family picture, I wish I was holding you.
It’s so hard to believe it’s been ten years Meggie. There are so many things I thought we’d share together that we’ve already missed. The double birthday celebrations and parties for you and Ry. The first days of school and the last days of school. Holidays and birthdays and gatherings with friends. Family vacations and summer day trips. The dance recitals and sporting events we never got the chance to share. Trips to Disney.
And now, all I have to look forward to are more milestones without you. I won’t ever get to celebrate the rites of passage into womanhood with you. I’ll never have the opportunity to teach you to drive. I won’t get to see you grow into the amazingly beautiful and bright woman I know you would have been. I won’t see you graduate, get married, or have your own children. There will be no mother daughter mani-pedis, or girls only shopping trips. No prom, no first dates, no bridal or baby showers… I’ll never be the mother of the bride.
Instead, I spend all of these transitional moments missing you. Every holiday. Every milestone your brothers reach. Every milestone I reach. Every milestone you should have reached. Every Mother’s Day. Every day. Wondering who you would be at each of them. How it would be different if you were still here with us. Feeling the pain of your absence.
I am alone in my pain of missing you, because it, like you, is invisible. At least most of the time. Others can’t see it, or don’t understand it, so they don’t acknowledge it.
When Ry gets his learner’s permit I will cry. When he graduates, I will cry. When he goes to his first formal dance, I will cry. When he marries, I will cry. When your brothers achieve all of their milestones, I will cry. Tears of happiness for him. Tears of sadness for me, because there is forever one, where two should always have been.
How will Ry feel? Will he miss sharing these moments with his twin sister? Does he wonder what it would be like if you were still his best friend? His telepathic partner in mischief? What would your twinship be like now? Would you still insist “Ry Ry did it?” He’d probably deny it now… I think he’d catch on eventually.
How will Kyle feel? Does he ever think about what life would be like now with his “baby” sister? How it would be different?
The world will forever see I have 2 boys where 2 boys and a beautiful little girl should have been. Some will know what is missing. Most will not. I will always know. I will always miss you. It will always hurt.
All I can do now is hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. You are happy. You are free. You are flying with the angels. I hope your wings are sparkly! I hope you can feel the love we hold in our hearts for you here. We can feel the love you send us. Keep it coming!
You always wanted to fly high in the sky…
Happy 10th Angelversary my sweet baby girl. May your wings help you soar high and free.