Saturday, February 21, 2015

Lost and confuzzled

My get up and go has definitely gone.  Where, I do not know.  I'd kinda like it back...

I feel... lost.  I can't seem to find my motivation.  I have a gazillion things to do and actually, in theory, have time to do many of them, yet I can't seem to execute.  At least not in a manner that shows any true progress on the to do list.

It's rare that I have this problem.  Usually, I am crazy busy.  A multi-tasking queen.  I hardly have time to think, let alone sleep, before I move on to the next things. Yes. Plural.  Things.  I truly wonder what it's like to focus on just one thing start to finish.  I bet it's nice.

Speaking of sleep, that is one thing I've actually been doing a lot of.  Normally, if I'm lucky, I average about 5-6 hours of sleep a night.  The past few weeks it's been more like 7-9 with an occasional double digit in there!  Even when I wake, I laze around in bed, either trying to go back to sleep or pondering what I should be doing instead of lying in bed.  Sometimes I doze off.  Most of the time, I end up frustrated that I wasted all that time lying there instead of getting up and being productive.  I'm honestly not sure sleeping longer has been a good thing for me.

As I tend to be introspective about such things, here is my analysis:  The working diagnosis? Seasonal/situational frustration, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up-itis, and winter. :-)

The questions?  What to do about it and how?

The problems and challenges are:

1) I don't have a consistent income at the moment.  I am working per diem, and although I'd like to have more hours and more clients, my current job is not able to provide them for a myriad of reasons beyond my control.  I have been fortunate to be able to generate income from other sources, but the time has come that I need to find another job that provides both the flexibility in scheduling I need and a more consistent income.  This is not as easy as it sounds.

2) When I look back over the past few months, I have been fortunate, that because of #1 above, I have been able to devote much needed time and energy to other projects.  The jobs that are more of my passion, but that are done because they are important to me, not because they generate income because, for the most part, they don't, especially when you subtract what I spend to maintain them. This includes being able to devote more attention to Meghan's Hope through partnerships with Nationwide and the CPSC, re-designing the website, and the ability to be more active with social media and blog posts.

I wonder if, given the whirlwind of opportunities that came together right around Meg's 10th Angelversary, and the fact my book was published that same week, that I'm finally feeling the depression I typically feel in December.  Hmmmmm.

3)  So many ideas, too many ideas.  Oh, squirrel!  I have also been able to work on and re-design the websites for my other business ventures, neither of which I've nurtured much the past few years because of the book, work, and family commitments.  I must say, they look much better!  There is still work to be done, but I'm happy with the new look.  I've also finally cleaned and mostly organized my "teaching closet", quite a project that was on the list for years. As for the rest, I start one thing and then think of something else.  My lists have lists!  Precious little ever gets crossed off as complete.  Partially because I keep finding new things to do.

4) Since I have the time, I've been taking online classes for a certificate in Thanatology (the study of death, dying, and grief).  This is a subject that has always interested me, and one I feel called to learn more about in the hopes I can help others as they cope with their own death or that of a loved one.  It's been a long time since I went to school!  Unfortunately, the challenge is not only in finding the time to do the reading and the homework, but of course, there is a cost to take the classes.  Until I am able to resume a more steady income, this will end up on the back burner after this current class is finished in a month.  That said, I'm really enjoying the information and the challenges of "school."

5) While soccer is a year round thing, spring soccer is around the corner and the schedules for my boys ramps up this week.  There are conflicts abound and soccer 4/5 weeknights for one or both of them and practices and/or games every weekend, to the point our weekends are completely filled with soccer in some way, shape, or form until July.  There are, of course, tournaments thrown in there, too.  Usually on holiday weekends, because, who needs a long weekend anyway?  This is a stress I am used to and try to do without too much complaining, but it is a stress.  Managing dinner, homework, laundry, and all that goes with managing a household is a challenge and a half every spring and fall. It's near to impossible to see family and friends.  We miss many social events.  Just looking at the calendar gives me chest pain and zaps my energy.

6)  Because soccer is all-consuming, it means my husband and I will not be able to continue our ballroom dancing to the level we would like to.  In fact, I'm not sure we are going to be able to get lessons in at all for the next several months.  This is the one thing we do for us and together and it makes me sad that we are not going to be able to continue.  There is also the financial piece, because it's also expensive (in money and in time) to take the lessons, practice to actually get better and progress, and even more so to enter showcases and competitions, neither of which we are likely to do for the rest of the year.  Mostly, it makes me sad that the one thing we do for us, together, is what has to give.  We have precious little time together, since even with soccer, we each have to take one somewhere.  The lack of couple and family time adds stress.  Parenting is demanding and I want to support my boys to be their best selves, but they damn well better appreciate what I've given up to drive them and their smelly cleats all over creation!  I must admit, I wonder what it would be like to have normal family dinners together every night, hell, what it's even like to BE home every night, and to have weekends free to do family stuff, house stuff, RELAX, because what the hell is that like?!

7)  THE WEATHER!  This has been the longest, damn near snowiest, and coldest winter ever. Seriously, it really has been.  I don't like winter.  I don't mind the snow if I don't have to drive when it's a mess, but I hate being cold.  Absolutely hate it.  Even worse?  Because of this snowstorm every few days pattern, and when it's not snowing it's barely 10 degrees with a wind chill below zero, it has not been safe for me to run outside.  I'm training for a half marathon and instead of running 3x/week I'm lucky if I run 2, in less than ideal conditions, in yak tracks. Long runs are near to impossible of more than 5-6 miles because the roads are just not safe to run on, too much snow and ice and poor visibility due to the height of the snowbanks on corners.  I don't have access to a treadmill nor do I have time to drive to where I could use one.  I like to run outside.  I need to run outside.  My feet need to hit the ground, I need to breathe fresh air, I need the sun on my face, I need the quiet, the time to clear my mind, the endorphins!  I'm not getting it and I'm feeling it.  :-(  Given the weather pattern, it's unlikely to improve for many more weeks.  Damn groundhog...

8) Indecisiveness.  This is perhaps the biggest problem of all.  I've long said I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  While all of my dreams are important to me, it's obvious I cannot do them all. I've given up the two I began with, oddly enough.  I'm not longer teaching childbirth classes or being a birth doula.  Oddly, I don't miss that.  I guess that part of my life is over.  That life mission, accomplished.

The problem now is I have 4 websites and associated social media accounts I maintain, each of which, could, in theory, stand alone as ONE full time job and business.  Meghan's Hope is one of them, the one I devote the most time to, and the one that costs me money to maintain.  Another one is geared toward my Reiki practice and teaching of metaphysically oriented subjects.  One is devoted to my book and grief support, and I'd love to grow that.  The last is devoted to home and life safety and is sort of a sister site to Meghan's Hope.  I teach a myriad of subjects in a variety of settings that incorporate all of these business ideas.  I'd love to do more of that.  I'd love to be presenting and doing more public speaking.  I wish I could get it all on one business card!

Of course what have I not done?  A press release for the book.  Why?  I'd say no time, but really, I've not been compelled to yet.  Honestly, the weather would have mucked it up anyway if I planned a book launch or party.  The time is coming, but it's not yet.  I'm not sure why.  I'm working on it, though.

9) Frustration and overwhelm.  Given the 8 things above, you can probably see why I'm stuck, lost, and confuzzled.  One one hand, I know what I want to do.  The problem is that is too much!  I know I need to focus on one or two things and devote the time and energy to grow them that I need to.  I've been trying, but the financial rewards are not yet recognized and I'm not sure how much more time I can take before I need to table them and get a "real" job again.  The Universe has been kind in bringing abundance into my life in other, somewhat unexpected ways and for that I am grateful.

10)  Time needed to devote to college planning for my oldest, who is a junior in high school.  Trying to plan and schedule college visits between soccer commitments and ID camps/clinics and a summer job for him is no easy feat.  He also needs and will need a lot of guidance and gentle nagging to do what he needs to do to be prepared to apply come the fall.

11) The realization that I can't do it all, certainly not well.  I also cannot save the world, or even a portion of it.  I'm not even sure I can get my own ducks in a row.

The solutions?

1) SPRING!  Seriously, warmer weather and the ability to get back into my running routine will likely help tremendously.

2) Eat better.  I eat horribly.  I always have.  When I am stressed and or in a funk like I am now, I don't even have an appetite or I turn to quick, easy, foods that are nutrient poor and sweet.

3) Figure out what I want to be when I grow up and stay focused on it.

4) Enjoy the time I have with my boys.  They are growing so fast...  I guess I can dance in a few years instead.  ;-)

5)  A good cry.  Tears cleanse the soul. My soul is frustrated and tired.  It needs some cleansing, some clarity.

6)  Did I mention spring?


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