Am I an ass or are you?

Ever hear the expression, 'Never assume, it makes an ass out of you (u) and me'?

Ever wonder why each person ends up an ass?

The obvious answer is because one person assumes.  Let me say that again.  ONE person makes an assumption.

It seems it's a no-win situation.  If we both end up looking like an ass, why do we make assumptions?  Who wants to look like an ass?  Apparently lots of people, given how quick people are to share their opinions in the context of what is wrong with someone else's!

Few of us ever stop to think about the roots and repercussions of our assumptions.  Some of us are so quick to blurt out exactly why the other person's point of view is wrong or what we don't like about it, we forget to check our ego at the door and pay attention to the other person's intent and perspective.  Often it means we miss the opportunity presented to us to see things in a different light, to learn and to grow.  There are always two sides to every story.  It doesn't mean we have to agree with them.  It just means we need to respect what they are trying to convey, do or say.

In so many aspects of my life, choice is paramount to the outcome you experience.  Life is full of choices.  Hundreds of them every day.  Do I wear the blue shirt or the red one?  Do I have cereal or toast?  Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?  Perhaps it's deeper than that.  Do I tell that person they hurt me with their words?  Do I confront someone who is being deceitful?  Do I submit a knee-jerk response to a statement or action because it touched a nerve in me, or do I take some time to be with that reaction myself.  To examine it.  To determine why I had the reaction I did.  To think about my reaction and my response before sharing it.  Was it about them or was it about me?  Chances are high it was really about me.  They were just speaking what they believed to be right and true. Their intent was not to anger me or upset me, and even if it was, why?  Whose issue is it?  Really.  My reaction is about me and the fact I don't agree.  Theirs is about them and their beliefs.  Both of us could be genuine and stand proud in our conviction.  We could both be right, because all that matters is what's right to us.  There is something to be said for counting to 10 before reacting, though.  Interesting, isn't it?

It's really difficult to make a good and truly informed choice if we do not know all the options, benefits, risks and alternatives.  This is true of anything, anywhere.  Every action has a consequence, be it good, bad, or indifferent.

As an example, I write and teach a lot about topics pertaining to safety.  I get many comments and expressions of gratitude for educating people about potential risks and dangers so they can make the choice to protect their children and families.  I give them information they previously did not have.  Is that true of everyone?  No, of course not.  Some people did already know some or even all of that information.  I'm thrilled when that's the case!  My target audience is the people who don't know.  I know I can't control what people think and do.  All I can do is provide information and perspective.

There are always a few people who accuse me of fear mongering.  Of being over the top.  Who take things out of context.  Who accuse me of being paranoid or worse.  They prefer to think they already know everything there is to know (maybe they do) or 'it' won't happen to them.  I used to get really upset by those things, because my intent is pure and truly about saving lives.  I lost a child to something that could have been prevented.  If I had known of the dangers, I would have taken action to prevent the accident that killed her.  I assume others would want the same.  I'm an ass, because not everyone does.

You know what?  I'm OK with that.  Why?  Because I know what my purpose and mission in this lifetime is and part of it involves teaching people how to keep their kids safe.  If I push your or their buttons, good!  They are your buttons, not mine!  If they need to turn it back around to be about me, so be it.  I don't wish them ill will.  I feel sad and sorry that they missed the point, but I know it's out of my control.  It doesn't change what I think, say, write or do.  It doesn't change who I am and why I am who I am.  It doesn't deter me from my mission.  Am I mindful that some people may react negatively to something meant to be full of love and goodness?  Sure.  We are all entitled to our feelings, actions and choices.  Owning them, that's the challenge sometimes.

I think perhaps the lesson here is that nothing happens in isolation.  Every choice impacts someone else, somewhere, in some way.  If we are more cognizant of our choices and think before we speak and act, perhaps we'd all be wiser for it.

Memorial Day - Is one death more important than another?

What does Memorial Day mean to you?

Traditionally, it is a day to honor those who have lost their lives in service to our country.  There are events held locally and nationally to honor the dead.  Their cemetery spots are decorated with flags and markers noting the branch of the service in which they served.  Families tidy up their resting place.  Ceremonies are held.  Parades go through the streets and citizens wave flags.  Children have the opportunity to learn about our country, our freedom, and the path some brave men and women choose to defend our freedom.  They have an opportunity to learn about war and peace and death and heroes.

I am grateful, as I am sure all of you are, for all those who serve and have served our country.  It takes a very special person to do so, and I pause today, like many, to honor, remember and thank them.  If you are a veteran or an active service member, I thank you.

I also think this is a day where we should be asking ourselves where our priorities are as a country.  Particularly in how we treat and care for the members of our military and their families.  Why is it professional sports players and CEO's make waaaaay more money?  Why is it we can't seem to provide the financial, medical and mental health assistance these veterans and their families need when they are in or return from active duty in a violent region of the world?   What a great day to start and be persistent on fixing what is wrong with the system so we can better care for and truly honor our veterans by treating them with the respect and care they deserve while alive, not just when they are gone.  That is far more valuable than one day of parades and ceremonies.

Every year I ponder, why just one day?  While I understand the concept of special days to honor people and things, why are we not celebrating the lives of ALL those who have died, regardless of how, on this day and every day?  Why don't we have a day dedicated to celebrating our loved ones who have died, period?  As a community, not just as a family. What makes the lives of those who serve in the military any more valuable than someone who works at the local market?  Everyone serves someone else in some capacity. Everyone has a family.  Everyone loves someone else.  Every loss is painful, deep and profound to someone, somewhere.

Mexico has the day of the dead on November 1st.  It's a National holiday.  It also coincides with All Souls Day.  They *get* how important it is to celebrate everyone who has died.  As a country and as a collective community, they share a common bond.  Everyone knows someone who has died.  Every life deserves to be honored.  Every death deserves to be honored and that person remembered.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Some people get upset when others use Memorial Day as their personal day of the dead.  When they focus as much, or perhaps more, on their loved ones who have passed than the veterans who have.  I know today is one of my Meggie days.  Her special place is prettied up with flowers and decorations.  I will visit it.  She will be on my mind, as she is every day, but a bit more so today.  It brings me solace to know she lies between two veterans.  I know they protect her, even though she never met them.  I will pause at their special places today and say a silent prayer for their families.

I will never forget one Memorial Day a few years ago.  My oldest son was marching in the parade with the cub scouts.  My youngest was still very young.  It was probably two years after Meg died.  They start the parade at the cemetery where Meggie now 'resides'.  One of my youngest pre-school friends was there.  He took her to Meggie's place and 'introduced' her.  They walked around together.  He told her about Meggie.  They played with her trinkets.  Many of the other children were running around the cemetery and periodically pausing to look at the stones and the flags.  Parents freaked out.  Telling them to stop.  Why?  I don't think it's disrespectful at all.  They are children.  They are exploring.  Reading the head stones.  Asking questions.  Learning about how we honor our dead.  I've said a gazillion times before, we are horrible in our society about dealing with death.  Kids can teach us a lot.  Let them lead us.

I sure as hell hope when I'm long gone, someone stops by my stone someday, years later, who never knew me, and can tell by the words and the decor who I was and why I was important to somebody.  That's what Memorial Day is really about.  Remembering.  Honoring lives.  Honoring love.

May the love of those you have lost surround you today and always.  Take a moment to remember them.  Close your eyes.  See their face.  Hear their voice.  Feel their embrace.  Feel the love.  Give it back to them.  Tell them you miss them, remember them and love them.  Know they feel the same for you.

Never forget.

Metaphysical A to Z: Z is for Zodiac

Is there any other "Z" word more all encompassing?

The Zodiac is a celestial coordinate system that is quite complex, at least to me. I do not profess to know a lot about it or to understand it, for it takes quite a bit of study to comprehend.  Astrology is a huge branch of metaphysical science and one that is too vast and too broad to cover here.  I am intrigued by the Zodiac and the symbolism and meanings associated with it.

As someone intrigued with the vastness of our universe and who enjoys stargazing, the constellations of the zodiac were my indoctrination to the topic.  Each of the signs has many symbols associated with it as well as an elemental association.  There are certain qualities of personality also associated with the different signs of the zodiac that I find fascinating and often ring true!  Those horoscopes based on your astrological sign are always amusing and food for thought!

To me, the signs of the Zodiac, like so many things in our universe, speak to the commonalities we all share.  There is a constant yet there is also constant change.  The astrological calendar is cyclical, just like life.  It is representative of the whole being greater than the sum of it's parts.  We all fall under certain signs, yet it takes all the signs to make us one, and then it repeats.  There are no limits to our energy or the time:space continuum.

That old pick up line of "What's your sign, baby?" carries a significant amount of information!  Perhaps that really should be a valid point of discussion when engaging in new relationships.  There is much to be learned about ourselves, others and the Universe at large.

In case you were wondering, I'm a Virgo.  Surprised?  :-)

What's your sign?

Metaphysical A to Z: Y is for yin and yang

Yin and yang are wonderful "Y" words.   The depth of the symbolism is profound, yet simple.  It represents the duality and interdependence of nature and of our very being.  It is everything. 

From the Eastern culture, the symbol (also called the Taiji)  is a circle made up of teardrop shaped black and white swirls, each with a speck of the other within it. Opposites, yet complimentary and inclusive of all that there is and all that will be. It is symbolic of balance, inclusion and the never-ending cycle of life.  

Yin is the black portion of the symbol.  It is associated with female energy, intuition, passivity, the earth and the moon. The energy is ascending in nature.  It is often associated with even numbers, calmness and death.  It is said the color orange and the tiger are associated with Yin in Eastern culture.

Yang is the white portion of the symbol and associated with male energy, the sun and energy and action. The energy is descending.  It is often associated with odd numbers, energy and birth.  Often represented in Eastern culture as an azure blue or with a dragon. 

Within each of the primary color swirls is a small round dot of the opposite color. This speaks to the truth that there is an interdependence and a constant relationship between the two.  You cannot have yin without yang.  They flow into each other.  Day into night.  Birth into death (and re-birth again), hot into cold and so it goes.  In Taoism, it speaks to the universal truth that it is what it is.  The path is about harmony through change. 

Yin-yang speaks to our wholeness.  We are truly greater than the sum of our parts.  We have within us, everything.  Each and every one of us.  We are both yin and yang.  We are darkness and we are light.  We have elements of both.  Our goal is to achieve balance of the two and recognizing and respecting the yin-yang in those around us.  

We are not only part of the circle of life, we ARE the circle of life. 

Metaphysical A to Z: X is for....chiastolite!

Gotcha!  :-)

OK, so X words are really hard to come by!  Especially in a metaphysical A to Z challenge. So I am using some creative license here. 

So what is chiastolite and why did I choose it for my X post?  Excellent question!  Wonder no more!

Chiastolite is a stone that just so happens to be found in the town in which I live!  It's often called an "x" or cross stone because it has a distinctive x in it when cut.

It has strongly protective properties. It's often thought of as a stone of power as well. Some associate it with prosperity and love.  I like to think of it as  a stone of balance.  Like the 'x' in tic-tac-toe, it is it's own yin-yang.  The balance of the black cross mark against the brown stone is grounding to me.  The natural markings are often remarkably balanced and evenly spaced.  I think it can help us to recognize the need for balance in our lives.  The 4 quadrants remind us of all our bodies, the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual and the need to nurture and balance all of them equally. 

It is associated with the sacral and root chakras most strongly.  I think it is a great stone to help connect to both earth and spirit, and by doing so, really taps into all of our chakras, again, bringing balance.   It grounds us and allows us to truly bridge the gap between earth and spirit. 

Some cultures associate the cross marking of the stone as a sign from God or assign religious significance to it.  It can be worn as jewelry like may other stones and crystals are, carried as a tumbled stone or displayed as a raw stone. 

If you don't have chiastolite as part of your crystal collection, perhaps you should consider adding it to see what it has to teach you.  Besides, it's a pretty cool stone since it makes an "x" every time! 

Metaphysical A to Z: W is for wisdom

What is wisdom?  We often say certain people are wise.  We thank them or respect and honor them for their wisdom. Some say certain people are 'wise' old souls.  There are many words of wisdom and pearls of wisdom.  We toss around the label of wise and assign wisdom sort of willy nilly sometimes.  How do we determine who has wisdom or what wisdom is and what wisdom is not?

Is wisdom the same as intelligence?  I think not.  There are many types of intelligence.  Wisdom is far more than intelligence.  Far more than being knowledgeable.  Anyone can acquire knowledge.  Wisdom involves more than  learning facts.  It's interpreting, owning and truly, deeply, understanding them. Then, the wise ones are often able to show others the way to wisdom, by example.

By definition, wisdom is the study and application of knowledge.  It is often considered to be coupled with a deep and intuitive knowing and understanding of all manner of things.  Typically, the 'wise one' is able to keep their emotions out of the subject matter at hand.  They can apply their knowledge and give keen insight and examples of their perception and knowledge.  They are able to remain calm and objective, even when discussing topics of controversy.  Their perspective often gives a sense of balance to the subject matter being discussed.

Wise people are usually pretty even keeled.  They are matter of fact.  They are often calm, centered and fully accepting of not only who they are, but of who everyone else is and where they are at in their journey.  They are not judgmental, just matter of fact.  They have an exceptional ability to reason, infer, interpret and explain things to others in a way they can relate to and understand. 

Those who are wise are often portrayed as 'all-knowing', smart or gifted somehow.  While that may be true, they may also just be really good at seeing the forest through the trees AND being able to see every tree for what it is, what it's made of, what it gives, what it receives and how it relates to all the other trees, the earth, the air, the animals and so on. What a gift. 

With wisdom comes the ability to see the big picture while acknowledging and understanding all the little pictures that contribute to it.  They recognize that a person or thing is far more than the sum of it's parts. 

We tend to assign the label of wise one to people in positions of power or those who have documentation to 'prove' their application of knowledge.  I know far more children and non-academic non-overachievers who I'd consider wise than those who have a bevvy of initials and prestigious credentials assigned to their name. 

I am a fan of words of wisdom.  I find many of the inspiring.  Many are from the great thinkers of our time.  Some are simply core values we seem to have forgotten until someone put it on a magnet or greeting card.  What they do is make us stop and think.  They inspire us to be better.  At least, I hope that's part of the benefit we get from subscribing to the wisdom shared by others.

My words of wisdom?  Live your life with no regrets.  Be the best you that you can be.  Live happy.  Die happy.  Share the love.  Be the light.  Eat more chocolate.  Unless you are allergic.  Then, feel free to share it with me and I shall trade you for what you love instead.  Pray for peace.  Sparkle on. 

  This sort of sums it up for me.  

What Mother's Day means to me

Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies!  I hope you had a wonderful day.  My thoughts are especially with those who are missing their own mothers today and those who are missing their children today, especially those who have left this earthly plane.

So, it's 3:49 pm.  I just got home from a double header soccer game for my youngest.  I left the house at 8:45 am, barely, after a late night out (wicked fun!) and running around like a crazy person this morning to get everything organized for half the day on a soccer field.  He gave me a big hug when he got up and wished me a happy mother's day.  He made me a card and taped a dollar in it.  "For chocolate, mom!"  Love that kid... We stopped for lunch on the way home because he was starving and, well, it's mother's day, so I don't cook.  I got a red carnation from the Chili's!  How nice.  He scored a goal today and his team clinched the championship of their division today.  The sun even came out. There were heart clouds, fleeting, but there!

I came home to the house in the same holy mess it was left in since yesterday.  Granted, my husband took my eldest son to his soccer game this morning, but he had a later start.  They were both still in bed when I left.  I had high hopes that I'd arrive home to a clean kitchen at the very least.  Nope.  Not even close.  I thought, perhaps, the bed would be made, as it usually is.  Nope.  Clearly, he got up in barely enough time to get his ass out the door with my son at 11:30 for his game.  No forethought to what might be a nice treat for me when I returned.  Apparently, previous discussions about these things were forgotten.  *sigh*

Part of me is pissed.  It's flipping Mother's day.  Do my GD housework for me!  Do what makes ME happy, even it if inconveniences you.  Get out of bed early for me.  It's not about how tired you are.  I was tired, too.  But I'm mom.  I have no choice.  I can't sleep until the last minute and waltz out the door.  No one offered to take the early soccer shift for me today.  This family would cease to function if it were not for me.  Wish me a happy mother's day before I walk out the door or send me a text, email or post it on Facebook.  Acknowledge the day to me.  No, I'm not HIS mother, but part of his job as step-father is making sure "my" day is about me and not about him or them.  Right?

I know he will do it eventually. I know he intends to do all of those things.  He just forgets that it means more to me to do it on my timetable instead of his.  I just really didn't want to come home to it not yet done. It only adds stress to an already difficult day.

Ok.  Rant over. There. See.  I'm not all sweet and earthy crunchy lovey all the time. I do have a bitchy human side, too.  :-)

So, now that my rant is over, I stop and think.  I'm near tears.  Why?  What is my frustration and anger really about?  I know better than to have the expectations I did.  It only sets me up for disappointment. It's not his fault for not thinking of me, my wants and needs even if only for this day.  Or even if it is, the truth is it's my fault for not spelling out what I wanted or needed and when.  For having the expectation he'd 'get it' and remember it.  It's a common tale.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Knowing he WILL do those things at some point today makes me feel badly that I allow myself to get upset about it not being done my way in the first place.  He's so good to me and the boys, so thoughtful and loving, what right do I have to complain?

Of course, it runs deeper than the fact my house was not cleaned when I return.  It's mother's day.  A harsh and sharp reminder that I failed motherhood 101.  I failed to keep all of my healthy children alive.  It's grief, pure and simple.  Manifesting as irritation and frustration at stupid little things. Meghan is dead.  You all know the story.  You all know the guilt I carry with me and don't for a second bother to tell me I shouldn't feel the way I do.  I do.  It's my burden to bear.  I'm simply sharing how I feel.  I'm not the only one.  Any mother who has lost their child will likely tell you they feel the same way.

On a day when mothers everywhere look forward to being pampered, thanked and acknowledged for the hard work of mothering, a day when they spend the day with their children, the stark absence of one of my children in my life on this particular day makes the pain of the fact Meghan is not here with me all the more sharp.  It's like salt in the wound.  A trigger day that you might not expect would be a trigger day.

Add to it the fact I'm thinking of the fact my mother and aunt and uncle are celebrating their first mother's day without their mother, who died just a week ago.  It hits home with the realization someday my mother, too, will be gone.  That I can't celebrate with her either, in person, because they live in Florida.  We chatted this morning though, before I left for soccer.

I spent all morning being 'on' for my son, Meg's twin, at his soccer game.  He played great.  His team played great.  I enjoyed hanging out with the other soccer moms and dads.  They know about Meghan, but they have no idea the pain I was in, the tears I held back, the nerve all those little girls hit for me today.  The fact she should have been there, too.  It's just...it hurts.

I'm now home.  Exhausted and fighting tears.  I just want to crawl into a hole and sulk.  I want to be alone.  I don't want to deal with the mundane things of the day.  The pain of her loss hits hard now.  It was an undercurrent all day, a subconscious presence.  Now, I sit with the silence of her absence.  I miss her.  Perhaps a bit more than most other days.  On a day when I'm supposed to be celebrated by ALL my children, there is one huge void. I long to hear her voice.  Stroke her silky hair. Snuggle up and read a book.  Dance and be silly.  Watch her and her brothers do whatever they might be doing if she were still here.  I am gazing out my window at the cherry tree losing it's blossoms in the wind.  She would have loved it.  Her brother is out there loving watching the petals fall.  He loves that tree.  It reminds him of her.

Soon my eldest and my husband, his step-father, will be home from his soccer game.  He will clean the kitchen. He will make the bed. He will rally the children. He will love me and acknowledge the pain of my loss.  We will go out for dinner.

It's a double-edged sword.  I want to go.  I don't want to go.  I will go and I'm sure I will enjoy it.  I will feel guilty for all I said earlier in the post, and then again, I won't.

I am a bereaved mom.  All I want on mother's day is what any mother wants.  To be appreciated for all that she is and all that she does.  To spend the day with her children making it all about her.  I don't ever get to have that.  Ever.  Because I no longer have all of my children with me on this earth.  Nothing will ever change that.  Of course I love my boys, even the one who doesn't acknowledge mother's day without serious prompting and the threat of not feeding him.  It's just not the same.  It's not what I want.  It's not what I imagined Mother's Day would ever be.  Yet it is what Mother's day is and always will be for me.

~ 4 hours later~

My writing was interrupted by the return of my eldest and my husband.  As I predicted, my husband showered me with love.  He acknowledged the day is difficult for me.  He cleaned the kitchen and did the laundry.  He gave me a music CD of one of my favorite artists, Michael Buble (he sings only to and for me, you know).  :-)  He arranged to take us out for dinner.  My eldest made me a card in his silly way with a hand made gift certificate.  It made me laugh.  We went out for dinner.  We had fun.  We laughed.  We ate.  There may have been a chocolate martini.  There will be cake for breakfast tomorrow.

I came home and sat in the hot tub.  Alone!  I am now, still exhausted, still missing Meghan, but grateful for my boys and my husband.  They make the pain of this day much easier to bear.  They love me.  They really do. Heaven knows I love them all the way to the end of the Universe and back.

Sometimes it's not just about what you've lost.  It's about what you have, what you have learned, and what you have gained from that loss.  This day will never be easy.  It will never hold the joy it fully should for me, but I am still a mommy to three.  And hey, how many people get to mother a spirit daughter and her two earth bound crazy brothers?  :-)

Talk about having your hands full!

One version of the Mommy gym

Another, more fun version of the mommy gym