Saturday, April 12, 2014

Writing, wine, and chocolate!

It's 7 pm.  My day of solitude is drawing to a close.  It was delightful!

The weather was gorgeous.  A beautiful spring day.  I felt so spoiled by Mother Nature and I am very grateful to her for the gift of today she gave.  I opened all the windows and welcomed in the fresh, spring air, full of the promise of birth and new beginnings.  I delighted in watching the comings and goings of the birds, as did my cats!  I smudged the entire house!  My crystals had a sun bath both yesterday and today.

I lay on the deck in the sun on my yoga mat and had a little savasana nap in the sun.  It felt so indulgent and wonderful.  Nothing but the sounds of the birds, the wind gently ringing the chimes, and the rustling of the branches. I feel as if my batteries were charged.  Yes, I'm solar powered!

I spent most of the day writing.  Often with a cat in my lap.  Part of it was devoted to developing the curriculum and slides for a class I'm teaching on space clearing in a few weeks.  Part of it was devoted to editing the book.  That is a slow process, albeit a necessary one.

Writing this book is, of course, stirring up emotions.  It's not the ones directly related to Meghan's death that are the ones that are challenging though.  It's the ones related to the collateral losses and unresolved 'issues' like changed or estranged relationships that were part of the fallout but definitely influenced by grief.  Some of these have never really had resolution.  As I write about the process of grieving and how to support those that are grieving, I in part, take from what I learned along the way. All relationships take two people to work.

In writing, I am recalling those who were there in those first days, weeks, and months after Meghan died.  I am looking back and realizing the depth of pain, depression, and general impaired mental capacity I was going through life with.  Somewhat surprised by how long that lasted and ebbed and flowed.  Honestly, it still does.  How deep and profound my losses really were for within 18 months, I lost my daughter, my marriage and my best friends all for very different but somewhat related reasons.  I've thought about how impacted some of them were by those very same things, but in a different way. I am seeing through different eyes why I made the choices I did and why others made the choices they did at the time, because now I have the gift of 9 years of healing, processing, and the fog and depression I was operating under then, has lifted.

Of course I wish I could repair some of the damage.  I can't do it alone.  If others are not willing to come to the floor and dance with their demons with me, to do the work to understand, heal, and resolve our wounds, then the wounds go on unhealed.  A band-aid fix perhaps, but not fully healed.  That makes me sad.

I've had the good fortune to be able to talk to some of those people about it in depth.  Those who were there then and are willing to look back on it with me now.  Those willing to dance with me. To try to make sense of it.  To go back and look at where we were and understand why we made the choices we made. To understand their experience and they, mine.  Some of whom were those who were collateral losses either as a result of Meghan's death, my divorce or both.  Relationships that ended up changed, distant or broken. Relationships we are working on mending and understanding.  I guess in a way, I have social media to thank for some of that.

We are able to see it with more objective eyes now, yet honestly.  To speak of our mistakes, shortcomings, and regrets.  Then and now.  To see the lessons in it for us to learn and how it's helped us to grow, change and become who we are today. To see the role Meghan played in all of it. She's like the gift that keeps giving.  :-)

Huh.  I just realized the kitty jacket she is pictured in here is the one I buried her in.  Interesting choice since I didn't realize it until just now, this picture just 'spoke' to me.  In it she's offering her pink kitty she painted for show.

Of course hindsight is always 20/20, right?

For those I am unable to talk to, I've begun to write letters.  It is allowing me to express what my experience was then and my understanding of it now as it relates to them individually.  Sure, it's a one sided conversation that way, but at least I have a place to put my thoughts and feelings for now. They may or may not ever get sent.  I suspect they will. Someday. When the time is right.

Not that I would necessarily have changed anything per se.  For to do so would change who and where I am now.  I have learned some amazingly powerful life lessons from it all.  I kinda wish I (and they) had this book, then. Then again, that's what's inspired me to write it in the first place.

Emotional grief work is exhausting.  It makes me all that much more grateful I have the solitude and silence of the evening before me.  This book is cathartic and healing for me.  I so hope it is helpful to others in their journey through grief.

So there is the bit about love.  The laughter is in Meggie's picture.  I can hear her giggle!  The light is in my heart along with some love, hoping everyone finds healing and happiness.

The chocolate?  So glad you asked!  I am going to enjoy a glass of red wine and some chocolate right now! I think I will indulge in a bubble bath and a guided meditation, too.


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