Monday, March 9, 2015

Of sun and solace

I am sitting in the sun as I type this. We're in the midst of a heat wave!  It's in the 40's!  The snow is melting!  It's a gloriously sunny day with a deep blue sky and puffy white clouds drifting by.

No, I'm not outside, but it's the next best thing.  I'm sitting in our newly built sunroom.  I have always wanted a sunroom.  I am solar powered, I swear.  Living in New England, especially this winter, where we have received over 110 inches of snow, most of it in just over a month's time and had the coldest February ever, I am desperate for vitamin D from the big ball of fire we orbit.

This sunroom has literally saved my sanity. I've been feeling out of sorts, lost, and at a crossroads of sorts.  This room is providing insight in ways I'd not anticipated but am grateful for.

It's only been complete and usable for about a week.  I've been in it every day.  The cats are also enjoying it for the warmth, the newness, and the fact the bird TV is outstanding with all the windows and my feeders strategically located for our viewing pleasure.

The benefits of the sunlight alone have shifted my mood, let alone the quiet sanctuary this room provides for me.  It is quiet.  Blissfully quiet.  No TV.  No music.  Just the sounds of nature from the outside in the form of birds chirping, ice and snow melting, and the wind along with the occasional purr or even snoring of a cat.  I am surrounded by windows, and currently, the glare of the sunlight off the way too high snow pack (currently about halfway up the slider, but it was nearly to the top of the slider a mere 3 weeks ago) but no worries, I have sunglasses!  

I am marveling at how this room makes me feel.  I knew I would love it, but it didn't occur to me just how much and why.  Of course I love the light and warmth the sun provides without the cold!  I am fascinated by watching the birds.  I watch them eat, play, fly and glide, and see where they are choosing to nest.  I could watch the clouds drift by for hours, captivated by how they change and evolve as they move across the sky.  Of course I most enjoy glancing up and seeing heart clouds!  At night, I watch the moon rise and traverse the sky.  I gaze at the stars.  I need to bring my telescope in here!

One of the drawbacks of the room is that it seems to have hijacked my motivation. It has killed my productivity (self-imposed by a never ending to do list).  I just want to sit here and be.  I don't want to do anything but sit in the sun, listen, observe, perhaps meditate or ponder the meaning of my existence.  Clearly, because that's exactly what I need to do.

Which is most interesting, because as the Universe would have it, I've been feeling rather indecisive and overwhelmed as of late.  The "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" syndrome totally clashing with the long standing issue of there are too many things I want to do, not enough time to do them, the fact that I've been trying to do them all, and as a result, I do none of them well and never finish anything.  *sigh*

I've been rather "lost" the past few months, trying to figure it out.  Trying to find focus, direction, to carve out of all the things I love.  To choose a passion or two (of the many near and dear to my heart) to follow, to grow, to serve others with, and that pays the bills.  No easy task I tell you!  I've been busy as all get out and productive in many ways, just in all different areas of interest to me.  I've been checking things off my to do list that have been there for YEARS.  Surprisingly, or, perhaps not so surprisingly, I just as quickly add more things to the list, with some of the longstanding ones still there.  No wonder it never gets shorter!

Today, it occurred to me that my desire to be in this room, soaking up the sunshine and connecting with nature is born of a deeper need.  I feel a strong calling to sit quietly and listen.  Listen to spirit, the Universe, my higher self.  To ask the question and listen patiently for the answer.  It's something I've not done as much as I should or need to. I realize I've lost that connection and I need it.  Partially because of the challenges of the weather, partially because I got so caught up in writing last fall and all that followed with Meg's 10th Angelversary, I forgot to rest.  I forgot to take care of me.  Now that I have the chance to do so, I keep filling the time like the Type A overachiever I am.  It's an easy cycle to repeat.

Except my heart and my spirit are screaming at me to stop.  Apparently they've been doing that for a while, but, well, I was too busy to listen.  Okay, I heard it, but I didn't honor it.

I need to just be.  Here.  Now.  Until I figure it out.  I'm sure the answer is within me, I just need to turn off the commentary in my head long enough to listen to what my soul knows I'm supposed to do.

This room brings me peace.  It quiets my mind.  It begs me to slow down. It's connected me to nature again.  It reminds me life is short and I should enjoy it.

I was hesitant to build the room for it was a pretty penny to build, but I'm not getting any younger so it was now or never.  Best.  Decision. Ever.

I long for the warmer days, once the snow is gone and the deck is completed outside.  I can open the windows and feel the warm breeze.  I will be able to hear the birds without the buffering of the window glass.  Maybe instead of writing, I will read!

In the meantime, I will invoke the wisdom of my cats.  Surely they know the benefits of lying in the sun, they do it all the time!  They seem pretty calm and peaceful...

I have two signs in this room.  They both speak to me.  One says "May every sunrise hold more promise and every sunset hold more peace"  The other is about the rules.  To it, I say, Amen.
Life is short.  Make it matter.  Make it fun.  Live it from a place of love.