Fall back for what? How about a safety check?

First, indulge my confuzilation.  Yes, I made that word up.

Daylight savings time has always baffled me.  Even more so because it's not universally observed in our country let alone across the world.  Time zones in and of themselves, make sense, although mightily confusing or annoying for those who straddle those lines.  Taking out and then putting back an hour is rather a bizarre attempt at... what?

Sure, I get it.  Darkness.  Light.  Believe me, my body loves daylight.  I am up with the sun, no matter when she rises and I am sleepy when darkness falls, no matter what time that is.  Our planet wobbles around the sun, the mighty giver of heat, light and indeed life and rotates on its own axis to create the apparent movement of the sun above and below the equator.  It creates variability in the length of the days.  It creates the beauty of the seasons.  It is a fascinating exercise in science to understand it all.

So why mess with it?  Why not just accept it as it is?  What is the big deal about 'creating' an hour in the fall and taking it away again in the spring.  The illusion of 'an extra hour of sleep' when we fall back this weekend is something everyone loves.  Until they have to 'spring forward' and lose it in the spring.  Why not just do away with daylight savings time all together and, oh, I don't know, just have a consistent 24 hour day all year round?  There are places in the world where they have periods of 24 hours of darkness or light.  The extra hour of light at either end of their day doesn't matter.  The reality is it doesn't matter for us, either.  It's an illusion.  We even tweak it!  It was moved by a few weeks not that long ago!

It seems our society wants more for less, even when it comes to hours in the day!  Is there a need to control something that strong?  "Oh, there is so much I can do with that extra hour!"  Really?  You could've done that without the time change, too.  You just didn't want to.  People who don't observe DST do it all the time!

From a practical standpoint, it has become a safety day, too.  I'm all about safety!  So how many of you use the occasion of 'springing ahead' and 'falling back' to actually change the batteries in your smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors?  Do you push that test button to see if it works and to see how your family, especially your kids, respond?  The first time I did it, I learned my kids do not hear it if they are asleep!  Even though it is right outside their bedroom.  Do you have a fire escape plan?  A meeting spot?  Do your kids know what to do and where to do?  Discuss it and drill it this weekend.

While you are at it, discuss a disaster plan with your family.  Do you have a disaster plan?  Where will you go if you are ever evacuated and can't contact your spouse or family?  Have a designated spot or communication link (friend in another town/state) to relay information if you can't.  An emergency kit?  Ready.gov is a great place to go for a list of what you should have in an emergency kit and activities to make it fun for kids to help you put one together.  In light of Hurricane Sandy, the tornadoes of the past few years and winter storms like 'Snowtober' last year and the ice storm of a few years ago, here in our local area alone there is an obvious need for being prepared.  If you already have an emergency kit, check it.  Be sure things have not expired.  Update documents.  Be sure the clothes in the kit still fit the kids!  Make sure it's portable easily!  How about emergency flashlights, a battery powered/crank radio that also charges cell phones and has a weather band built in since the NOAA channel is also the Emergency notification alert system, too.  Amazon.com is a great place to find everything!

Is your car ready for the winter?  Do you have blankets?  Water?  Food like power bars in case you get stuck somewhere or in traffic with hungry and thirsty kids?  Do you have a first aid kit in your car?  A shovel, sand, ice melt and other helpful winter helpers?  Extra gloves?  Do you keep your gas tank full just in case?

Being prepared is always better than being stuck wishing you had prepared better.

So although I don't really understand the value of daylight savings, I do like the opportunity to review the safety of your home and your family and take action to be prepared in the event of an emergency, no matter how small or disastrous it may be.

Go forth and be safe!

Never alone...

Sometimes, it's simplicity.  On this All Souls Day, remember, your love and theirs is always around you.  You are never alone.

Music can be a much more powerful expression of emotion and words.  Today, I encourage you to listen to this and know my wish for you and in fact, everyone, is to realize we are never alone:  Never Alone by Lady Antebellum

If you are more visual, you can read the words that accompany the above, or here,

"May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
[ Lyrics from: 
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone"

Love, light and peace to you and yours.

Dreading or Dreaming of Death? It's a ballot question after all.

"Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limits of our sight." ~ Rossiter Worthington Raymond

It's the Day of the Dead!  How does that make you feel?  Did the use of the word 'dead' cause a reaction in you?  If so, what kind of reaction?  Do you fear death?  Your own death?  That of your spouse, parents or children?  Perhaps the death of a friend or other extended family member?  Does it conjure up memories?  What kind of memories?

As sure as you are alive and reading this, you will die.  Someday, somewhere.  You and your loved ones may have time to prepare or they may get that God-awful phone call everyone dreads.  The reality is, we don't know when it's 'our' time to die.  Yet it's something that will happen to everyone and if you haven't already experienced the loss of a loved one, you will.  This is just a reality.

So why are most people afraid to talk about it?  To plan for it?  To see all sides?  Why are we afraid to talk to the people left behind about the ones they have lost?  We say we don't want to upset them or make them sad.  I promise you, it's not about them, it's about you in that case.  They already think of them.  They already feel a roller coaster of emotions and it will last as long as they themselves live.  It will change over time, it will come and go, but they will always remember and it will always be a part of them.

I wish to challenge you to engage in an open discussion about death and dying.  On this Day of the Dead, or All Souls Day Eve, 'holidays' which honor and celebrate our departed, it seems a fitting topic.  For in our culture, we don't really celebrate death.  Hell, we don't even talk about it! Not when it happens and not in the days, months and years that follow.  We seem to be quite uncomfortable with the topic.  We fear it.  We seem to collectively strive to be immortal and don't like to discuss death, preparing for it, participating in grieving rituals or actively remembering those who were once close to us who have died.  When we are confronted with death, we go 'through the motions' and then slam the door on our emotions. Maybe that's why there is so much dis-ease in the world...

I wonder why that is.  Why we as a collective culture do not like to talk about death.  All I can come up with is fear.  What are we afraid of?  Where did our beliefs about what happens when we die come from?  Does one's belief in an afterlife or reincarnation make a difference?

It's also in the forefront of my mind because here in MA there is a ballot question on physician assisted suicide.  As you can imagine it's a very heated topic and a very slippery slope.  Suffice it to say I think that it's a very individual choice and I strongly believe in choice.  But one person's fear should not interfere with another person's choice and free will.  No matter what the topic.  I've had the honor of being present for the transition of some people.  I've sat with them and their loved ones they introduced me to (that only they could see because they predeceased them).  I've literally felt the 'spirit' of those who have died around me or other people and no, it wasn't my imagination.

Maybe it's not so much about the fear of death as it is our fear of living long enough to accomplish...what?

On this All Soul's Eve, I am remembering fondly my grandparents who have passed (Agnes and Leon Packard, James McGillicuddy), my uncle Dino, my friend Emily and especially my daughter Meghan.  Yes, it's important to say their names. I am thinking of all those children gone too soon from their parents arms and hearts.  For all of my friends and family who have lost someone near and dear.  Does it fill my heart with joy?  Not exactly.  Although I do believe they want us to remember them as they lived and not dwell on OUR sadness at their death.

I remember getting 'the news' about all of my grandparents. I remember my grandmother telling me when she'd die and she was 100% right.  I remember giving Reiki to my uncle hours before he died and knowing he would soon take his last breath and what an honor it was.  I remember holding my beautiful dead baby girl in my arms in a rocking chair in the emergency room and lovingly making molds of her hands and feet as keepsakes.  I remember having to tell my family and the heart-wrenching moment when I sat on a neighbor's kitchen floor with my boys in my lap and told them their sister had died.  Yes, I have tears in my eyes as I write this.  Maybe you do, too.

AND THAT IS OK!

It's because of love.  You see, death bothers us because we love so deeply as humans.  Sure, I am sad when I think back to those death days.  Yes, I relive my own personal hell now and again.  I could choose to stuff it, but that's not healthy or productive.  I allow myself to feel the emotion because my heart is filled with love.

The sadness turns to smiles when I continue to remember their life.  Had they not had such a profound impact on me through their living, they dying would not have an impact on me to the same degree if at all.

The Day of the Dead is a celebration!  It's to celebrate the life of our departed loved ones.  To have hope that their soul is free and fulfilling it's spiritual mission or whatever your religious, spiritual or personal belief may be.

I first heard this song before Meg died.  I immediately loved it.  I still do.  It's a beautiful tribute. Take a listen.  Imagine the scene.  Enjoy the Celtic music and lore.  Feel the love.  All Souls Night by Loreena McKennitt

Let their light shine.  Let it into your heart swish it around and radiate it back to the world.  I'm sure they'd appreciate the attention and the sentiment.

Mark Twain said, "The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

Perhaps wiser words were never spoken.  If I learned anything from Meghan's death, it was that life is unpredictable.  If I learned anything from her life, it was to live for the moment.  Live with joy, wonder and enthusiasm.  Don't be afraid to say what you want.  Do the things you love 'again, again!'  And love.  Love with your heart, your mind, your body and your soul.  Fear is a wasted emotion.  Live, laugh and love every moment of every day with every ounce of your being.  Say, 'I love you'.  Say, 'I'm sorry'.  Never, ever say or do anything you may regret on your death bed or should that person not come home tonight.

It's all about love.

My Twisted Halloween!

Ever wonder WHY we Trick or Treat?  WHY we dress up as someone else and run from house to house begging for candy?  WHY there is a monster vs. sexiest/hottest costume disparity?  WHEN it became ok to knock on the doors of strangers and expect a free handout?

As I understand it, the origin is from the Celts and their celebration of Samhain or their New Year. Also called all Hallows eve, it marks the end of their calendar year and the time of the harvest.  There are several versions as to where the costume tradition might have originated but they used to wear the skins of the animals that they killed or roam neighborhood dressed up scaring out spirits they believed to be released that day.

It's followed by All Souls Day or the Day of the Dead, where many cultures celebrate and honor their dead in ceremonies.  You can read more about it all here http://www.halloween-history.org/

It all somehow evolved into a "Hallmark" and retail holiday here that has commercialized the day and lost it's essence.  It's about who can get the most candy and have the best costume.  It's not about history, honoring the dead or preparing for winter.  Families are spending money they would be better off saving or spending on something they need, rather than on food that is horrible for you and the kids and costumes that end up ripped, dirty and in the trash unless you are lucky enough to be able to recycle them for another year or to another child.  Sure, the kids are cute as hell, but what are we teaching them?

It gave me pause as I reflected on my own childhood memories of Halloween.  They are mostly of enjoying the sound of leaves being rustled under my footsteps.  The smell of autumn.  The weather of the day - I remember 70 degree days, freezing cold days, snow and rain.  I remember wearing my mother's wedding dress the year I had a broken arm, the year I was a princess and wore blue eye shadow and the guy who always played the scary music!  It was fun to 'be' someone else.  Sure, getting the candy was fun, but it was really about the experience of dressing up and getting to go outside in the dark!  I think my parents just liked getting a glimpse into the neighbor's houses and trying to guess who was at the door!

I still like to play dress up! I'm all for socializing at a party.  It's the running around the neighborhood expecting something for nothing that rubs me the wrong way.

It's clear the tradition is slowly falling out of favor.  As I drove around this evening, fewer groups of kids were out trick or treating.  Fewer homes had their porch lights on.  Fewer people are willing to participate in the giving of treats.  Fewer kids are seeking treats.  I know our town has a parade and party a few days before as do many towns.  The big malls do trick or treat at the stores as well.  Lots of people have costume parties instead.  There is food and dress up but it's more controlled and not in the dark on a school night.  Or maybe fewer and fewer people are celebrating all together.  I'm not really sure.

With regards to the outdoor tradition, part of me wonders, have we lost our minds?  Out of one side of our mouths we tell our kids not to talk to strangers and try to get them to eat healthy and 'right'.  We teach them to be safe when outdoors.  We generally don't let them roam around after dark, especially alone or with people we don't or barely know.  We don't sugar them up just before bed time.  We supervise them.  Well, we should do these things.

Out of the other side of our mouths, just for this day, we tell them it's not only OK to talk to strangers but to go right up to them, even into their houses, and take food from them!  We don't enforce the usual 'safety' rules because we somehow think they are safe because it's Halloween.  Many parents throw caution to the wind and let their children roam about at night, alone (or in a group), in the dark, to the homes of people they don't or barely know.  Kids, in their excitement, run from house to house, not looking before they cross the street in poorly visible costumes, oblivious as to whether the scary guy who just jumped out from behind that tree is someone's dad trying to be funny or someone trying to abduct them!  The only sign of them coming to your door may be the screams and giggles of delight as they celebrate their sugary loot!  Do their parents know who their pre-teens or teens are with running about unsupervised?  Did the parents of any aged child check the local sex offender registry first?!  I won't even get into the 'tradition' of egging, toilet papering or otherwise destroying private property somehow being fun or acceptable if the house was not meeting the expectations of the probably way too old trick-or-treater!

Don't get me wrong.  I used to celebrate it too.  I am guilty of buying into the hype.  Of purchasing costumes for my infants and toddlers, who just cried because they were hot, itchy and knew they looked ridiculous!  Of buying the Harry Potter costume he HAD to have only to have him refuse to wear it because it wasn't cool anymore 5 days later!  Of creating the expectation and setting the bar by taking them knocking on strangers doors and expecting free food.  I accompanied them however very closely.  We only did our neighborhood of about 10 houses and only those who we knew.  One year, the entire neighborhood of parents also trick or treated with a shot glass!  Everyone wins!  I've even hosted Halloween parties and loved doing so, especially when my kids were younger and because there is an October birthday.

Over the years, I've come to change my view of the value of the holiday and what it teaches my children.  I've opted to celebrate in various different ways.  It started about 9 years ago, when my youngest were 2.  One of them had numerous food allergies, some life threatening.  He couldn't eat ANY candy.  It made me question the practice and find other alternatives.  We did a friends party and for a year or two, the immediate neighborhood only and a few select relatives homes for trick or treat.  They got 'safe' food from those who knew him.  The rest of the candy he traded in for safe treats, matchbox cars, stickers or some other trinket.  As he got older it was a new book or a stuffed cat instead of the candy.  To raise awareness, we asked for donations to FAAN (The Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network) instead of candy.  You could do the same to any reputable charity organization.  The Red Cross comes to mind in light of Sandy's devastation.  Now, at 11, he doesn't even want or particularly like candy!  There is no real expectation for it. He doesn't really understand why his friends still participate in neighborhood candy collecting.

For the past several years, we have gone out for a nice family dinner, costume optional, instead!  That's our new tradition.  This year we had a little extra special treat.  Our waitress was named Megan (My daughter was Meghan) and she was dressed as a cat.  My Meghan LOVED cats.  Think of it what you will.  My boys and I were very amused and happy for this 'sign'.  I don't make this stuff up!  It was better than any candy out there!

I think if one chooses to celebrate, one should also know and teach the history of the day and try to use it as a teachable moment.  We had a great discussion in the car on the way to dinner about this tonight.  We've gotten so good as a society as just doing what everyone else does without giving it much thought. We seem to have lost our ability to think independently at times or we are afraid to buck tradition and say no.  Change is good!  My kids know I'm a wee bit different...

WE are the parents.  We are responsible for teaching our kids values, respect and nurturing them to healthy and happy adulthood.  We should teach them to be independent minded and conscious citizens.  How we each choose to do that is of course, our own choice.  I respect yours, whatever it may be.

I do suggest considering a few alternatives.  Never lose sight of what's driving your decisions.  Never put safety on the back burner 'just because' it's a special occasion.  Do your homework!  Consider using the expectation of going door to door for the greater good by giving rather than expecting to receive or collecting an item for a food pantry or relief organization or charity.  Start a new tradition like our family dinner out or make pizza or fondue together.  Above all, have fun and be safe!

My personal preference is to celebrate November 1st - All Souls Day or the Day of the Dead instead!  Gee, I wonder what tomorrow's blog topic will be?

NaNoWriMo anyone? How about NaBloWriMo?

The Universe is screaming at me to write.  I know what I am *supposed* to write.  The problem is I need to be in the right time and place to get in the zone and actually write it.  That would mean holing myself up by the ocean for a solid month with no distractions.  Ahhhhhh.  That sounds so lovely.  

Sadly, it ain't gonna happen.  Not in the ideal way. That's for sure.

They say we all have at least one book in us.  I have a few.  They have been started but my writing practice is sporadic at best.  Cultivating a consistent, productive and enjoyable writing practice is no easy task.  Especially when you work full time and have children.  Just when you get into the meat of it, there is somewhere to go, someone needing mama or something to do.  The only other option is forsaking sleep.  I did that for long enough parenting twins.  I'm still trying to catch up!   

There are many tools out there that can help people get started and encourage them to continue.  I plan to attempt to use a few to kick my literary ass.

One I've learned about is NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month.  http://www.nanowrimo.org/

The challenge is to write an entire novel in a month. I know people who have done this! The Web site has tools to facilitate your creative endeavor and peer support as well.  I hear it's a great help and even fun.  You need only the desire and the time.  I have but one of those things.  Anyone else out there taking the challenge?  Or perhaps has in the past?  Tell me about it!

There is also a great writing tool called Scrivener http://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener.php  I played with the beta a few years back and just bought it for keeps.  I've not started with it yet, but am looking forward to doing so in the near future.  Check it out if you write for any medium.  It's fantastic. 

Since I have not the time to write a novel, I am not participating in NaNoWriMo, although it sure is fun to say!  I'd love to take the challenge some day.  Instead, I plan to attempt to have my own "KimBloWriMo"  or a generic "NaBloWriMo" (National Blog Writing Month).  I am going to challenge myself to write a blog entry every day for the entire month of November.  My ultimate goal is to cultivate a writing practice.  To establish a pattern.  To get my creative juices flowing.  It won't be my book in blog posts, however I do hope it will set the precedent for me to tackle it sooner rather than later.  It will, instead, probably be random thoughts and an interesting look into the workings of my heart and head on a daily basis instead of on a random ranty sort of basis.  The variety of topics will be vast.  It will also be an experiment of sorts.  I'll let you know how it goes at the end of November.  

Imagine if we had no warning...

Mother Nature is one powerful mama.  On your knees people!  Thank her for the warmth, sunshine and beautiful days.  Thank her for the rain.  Respect her when she's angry.  Show her some love and understanding.  She's trying to teach you.  Listen up!

If you live on the East Coast, you are probably feeling like an insolent child right now with her wrath fully upon you.  You may be wondering just what the hell you did to piss her off.  Perhaps you are lamenting "Why me?  Why us?  Why here?  Why now?"  The storm named Sandy, much like a hormonal teenager, that morphed into a hybrid larger than life and worthy of weather horror fame is hours from making landfall in NJ.  Her impact is felt from the Carolinas to the Canadian Border to Bermuda AT THE SAME TIME.  It's unprecedented.  It's the strongest storm in terms of low pressure ever recorded north of the Carolinas.  It's a big deal meteorlogically and a really big deal to those who are impacted by her fury.  There is rain, wind, snow and coastal flooding of epic proportions.  Some people will lose their 'stuff', some will lose their homes, some will lose their lives.  Many already have from her birth in the Caribbean.

The hard core meteorologists began 'talking up' the possibility of this very scenario a week ago.  They were clear to say it's too early to say exactly what will happen, but if the 'worst case' verifies, time was of the essence to prepare.  Some people took it to heart.  They made plans.  They did their shopping.  They stocked their emergency kits and obtained generators or made plans to evacuate somewhere safe if directly in harms way.  They didn't panic.  They didn't disregard the possibility.  They took heed.  Kudos to them!  I am a fan of informed decision making.  Preparation and planning prevents accidents or at least minimizes them and saves lives.

Many other people accused the media and the meteorologists (who are scientists) of 'hype' for ratings and of trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.  Before you dis them for getting paid to be 'wrong', I'd like to see you try to understand it and predict it accurately!  Those same people who accused them of hyping the storm may well be now surrounded by flood waters without electricity and unable to be rescued because they ignored their mandatory evacuation orders. The mountain turned out to be even larger than the meteorlogical world anticipated!

Weather is powerful.  It can be beautiful.  It can also be deadly.  Water kills more people than any other weather phenomena.  I've always been fascinated by the weather.  Both in it's beauty and it's force.  It is one that must be respected at all times.

I can't help but wonder what it must have been like when storms like this happened before there was the technology to predict it days in advance.  Can you imagine heading to work in the morning in Atlantic City and coming home to epic flooding in the entire city with no warning and your shore side home gone?!

We're so fortunate to have the wealth of technological instruments, computer models, historical data and the collective scientific intelligence to interpret it all and made surprisingly accurate forecasts given the fact they are dealing with the ATMOSPHERE and all of the influences on it at any given point.  We must remember they are not perfect.  They are models.

We're also fortunate to have TV, radio and now Twitter, Facebook and smartphones at our fingertips where we can literally instantly share information.  This not only helps keep the public informed but can also make for more accurate forecasts, and when it's over, the analysis can only  help improve their understanding of the science going forward.

We should be grateful for those who work tirelessly to keep the public informed and safe. Not only those who predict the weather, but those first responders and officials who are there in the horrible weather helping to keep people safe.  Even the ones who didn't take the threat seriously and found themselves in 'trouble'.  While countless others were enjoying a 'snow day' off of work, they pulled double shifts to clear debris, restore power and keep people informed and safe.  They will continue to do so for days and in some cases weeks, long after we, on the fringes, have gone back to our daily lives while some people are trying to figure out how to take another step because they've literally lost everything to the power of Mother Nature.

I wish there were more respect for everyone in the world.  That's a whole other rant.  For today, I hope you are thankful for your officials, media and first responders for the work they do today and every day.  Today there was little banter about who is a better candidate.  Today, it was as it should be.  Everyone with genuine concern for their fellow man and working together to share information and keep the public safe.

Here's to science and cooperation!

So many lessons to be learned from mothers, don't you think?

The secrets no one tells you about labor and birth

On the anniversary of my labor with the twins, I always re-live the day in snippets.  Yes, even now, 11 years later, it's vivid.  Remembering the journey.  It is one I am proud of.  It was not an easy journey.  Not by any means. I mean really.  Look at me in that picture!  It was the night before I was induced.

What made it all the more memorable was that I was totally in control of the experience.  It was one of the most amazingly empowering experiences I have ever had.  It changed me forever on so many levels.  

I enjoyed my labor!

Are you ok?  Yes.  I enjoyed it.  Have you ever heard anyone say that about their labor and birth before?  Especially a medically induced (pitocin), 21-hour long labor, un-medicated vaginal hypno-birth of twins at 39 weeks?!  Oh, with one a footling breech?

Everyone thought I was nuts.  Except the midwives and doulas of course.  :-)

Secret #1 -  Birth is empowering!

Women have the opportunity to embrace confidence, assertiveness, strength and power through their pregnancy, labor and birth experience.  They can realize the power of their womanhood.  They can bring forth new life!  It's a freaking miracle.  Growing and birthing that baby or babies, no matter who you are, is a miracle.  As women, we are gifted with the experience.  The gift of motherhood, no matter how much help we might have needed to arrive here, is nothing short of amazing.

Granted, I was well informed.  I was a type-A information whore of a birth doula, childbirth educator and health care professional.  Some would say I have a way of speaking my mind.  I'd birthed before and knew what I did and did not like about that experience.  I knew the potential risks of twins.  I knew my body, my physiology and the science behind the 'medicine'.  I knew what I wanted.

I wanted to give my babies the best chance at a healthy and happy full term birth.  That meant sacrifices by me. I had to do less and eat more.  I had to eat better.  I had to learn to listen to my body.  To let go of my anal retentive need to clean constantly.  When I had contractions all the time, I had to spend most of the time on house arrest.  It made me crazy.  I did it happily.  It wasn't about me, it was about these babies.  So much of parenthood is like that...

I did my research.  I asked questions.  Lots of questions.  I wanted an un-medicated birth.  As much because the pain was about me, not about what's best for the babies as it was about the fact my blood pressure is so low and my body so sensitive to narcotics that there was a good chance I'd risk myself into a more interventive birth if I opted for pain meds.  I didn't want to go there.  I wanted a Hypno-birth. I wanted non-pharmacological pain control.  A few hours of pain for me would be nothing if it meant my babies could have the lowest risks possible (not to mention to lower my risk as well).  I prepared for it religiously (and it worked like a charm!)   I also initially wanted a water birth in a birth center.  I wanted a home birth ideally, but got risked out of both with the twins.  My husband at the time was not comfortable with a home birth of one baby, let alone twins.  I had two kick-ass midwives and an OB practice that equally rocked in a hospital that was mother and baby friendly.  I picked my battles.

I made it to 38 weeks and 4 days.  Baby A was breech until it became clear she was really Baby B and he was head first.  Ultrasounds were showing signs that her umbilical cord and placenta were getting 'unhappy'. We had a long talk.  My gut told me it was time to induce. I agreed with the medical evidence presented and I researched it to my satisfaction   A Saturday ultrasound and membrane stripping and a scheduled pitocin induction on Monday if no spontaneous labor.  Contractions every 5-10  minutes all weekend, but no real labor, no change in my cervix.

I started pitocin at 9 am Monday am.  It was a party.  Awesome nurses.  Awesome midwives.  Awesome OB's.  I had my own personal 'dream team' for labor. I negotiated time off the monitor for good behavior and I walked with one hour heart rate checks.  I bounced on the ball.  I ate a turkey sandwich for lunch.  By afternoon I was feeling the contractions from the pit and needed a nap.  My doula got me in the zone with the Hypno-birthing and I dozed.  I felt no pain, only intermittent belly tension.  Hours felt like minutes.  7 pm rolled around.  Still no change in my cervix.  Talked with the midwives.  They were busy with many other laboring moms.  I was tired and disappointed progress was lacking.  Babies were happy.  We decided to call it a day and try again in the morning.  They turned off the pit.  I was still 2 cm where I'd been for weeks.  Damn cervix of steel...

By 8 pm my contractions were 3 min apart and by 9 pm I was 5 cm.  Another secret they don't tell you.

Secret # 2 - Pitocin can mess with your body's natural rhythm and if your body and baby are not ready, it probably won't work!

I had that lovely dilemma many women on pitocin do.  If they turn it up enough so you get strong contractions, they either last too long, are too close together or the baby heart rate drops.  If it's one level lower, it's not enough.  That and the fact if your body isn't ready, it probably won't work.  Eliminate the artificial override, and my body gladly took over.  I can't help but wonder what would've happened if we turned it off hours earlier.  Maybe I'd have had Libras instead of Scorpios!

I got in the tubby.  It was heavenly.  I dozed.  After an hour I was grunty I guess, so I got out.  8 cm!  Yay!  The OB was called at 11 pm.  Oh, it's the one who won't catch breech.  NO, thank you.  I refused him.  They knew I would if he were on call.

Secret #3 - you can say no!

The midwives called my favorite OB, who had gone off call at 7 pm and came back, expecting to catch my babies and go back home.  Instead, he slept in the call room all night, patiently waiting for my babies to decide they wanted to be born.  I changed position, I showered, I slept, I was massaged, I had popsicles and graham crackers, I threw up, repeatedly (I'm a transitional puker, not so much a secret, but yeah, lots of women are) I was in transition for a good 7 or 8 hours.  My doula and midwives kept me in the zone. I dozed through most of it feeling tightening but little pain.  I had no epidural.  I refused to talk to anesthesiology or sign the consent until I needed it.  I didn't plan on needing it.  The OB was convinced I had gotten the epidural I was so still and quiet.  I did not.

Around 4 am I agreed to breaking my water to try to speed things along.  It took forever.  Amniotic sac of steel too!  It didn't help much and it stressed baby B.  Classic risk.  I knew it going in.  Change of position and fluids helped a bit.

Secret #4 - PROTEIN WORKS!

Around 5 am Baby B (girl) was starting to show signs of being unhappy.  I was still 8 cm.  I agreed to turn the pitocin back on.  It only took a few contractions with the extra 'juice' and Baby A big head finally started to descend.  I remember the very bumpy ride to the OR (twins are birthed in the OR in hospitals even if vaginally just in case of the need for an emergent cesarean).  That ride sucks on a stretcher nearly fully dilated even with hypno-birthing!

Some of my battles were lost once there.  I was ok with it all.  I trusted my birth team.  They knew my wishes and desires and I knew if they could, they'd follow it, if they didn't, it was for a good reason. I was finally going to meet these babies!

Secret #5  - Memories are funny things

Here's what I remember of the next 20 minutes

• the bright lights of the OR
• Recognizing the eyes of the OB (all I could see)
• How cold and uncomfortable the OR table was and how hard it was to scoot over to it while feeling pushy! 
• How my pillow moved every time I picked up my head to push
• I had no idea where my husband or doula were but my nurse and second midwife were right at my side and I could feel the love and grounding effect of their touch and presence
• The anesthesiologist holding the induction mask in his hands as I looked back at him and I distinctly remember thinking "Oh, I don't think so" and I pushed my son out 
• My yelp (and wondering who the hell made that noise, not realizing it was me!) as I tore a bit when he was born with the aid of a vacuum (more so because of his big not quite lined up right head and the urgency to get his sister out faster, her heart rate was low).  It was 6:00 am!
• 
• How much better I felt to have one baby out!  I could see my toes again!  I could breathe more easily.
• The midwife reminding me I had another one to birth!
• My son crying like a baby sheep (seriously, he sounded like a sheep)
• The way the staff respected my wish for quiet during their births
• Meg being born feet first, I hardly felt it.  Not hearing her cry right away.  It was 6:04 am!
• 
• My asking to see them and the staff parting like the red sea and holding my son up so I could see it was in fact him crying like a sheep and no, he did not look at all like a sheep.  
• The staff peeking in the window of the OR, vaginal footling breech births are rare, especially in un-medicated twin sets
• Thinking "Holy crap.  I did it!"
• The shakes so many women get after giving birth.  I was my own earthquake!
• The midwives counting placenta vessels and asking me how many I saw.  Looking at their placentas in wonder.  Hers was so much smaller. Yes, he had a 2 vessel cord.  
• The nurse handing me my son.  Thinking no wonder I made that noise, his head is huge!
• 
• The midwife handing me my daughter moments later.  My DAUGHTER! She was so tiny!  She was wrapped like an Eskimo baby!  I swear my smile was brighter than the sun at that very moment.  One in each arm!
• 
• holding both of my babies as they wheeled me back to my room.
• The look on our midwives face as she opened the OR doors for us.  I felt like a queen! 
• Thinking, OMG, I have two babies!  And a three year old...and I'm hungry!!
• The OB coming in later and apologizing to me for having to use the vacuum and for deviating from my birth plan but explaining why, joking he lost a few hairs on that one (he was bald) and asking if I had any questions.  I did not.  I trusted him.  I thanked him for everything.  THAT is why I chose him.  

Secret # 6

No matter how you birth, it's your story, it's your experience.  There is no right or wrong.  There is only right for you.  Trust your body, trust your baby, trust your caregivers and no matter what kind of birth day you have, it's yours and it's perfect.  You will remember it forever.  It will change you in ways you cannot fathom.  You.  Are.  Woman.  Roar momma, roar!  You rock!