Monday, October 1, 2012

Serendipity? Destiny? Choice? Love...

~ note~

I originally wrote this a few days before I married.  Time got away from me and I didn't get a chance to post it.  Nothing about the sentiment has changed, except that some of these words were part of my vows and I didn't want to give them away!

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference"  - Robert Frost

My favorite quote ever.  It's in my high school yearbook.  I thought my life had challenges then.  Oh, sweet naivety... How little did I know then what it really meant.  How true those words would be...

Life is a journey.  It's a series of choices that determines what your path in life is.  Or is it?

Some people believe it's all pre-determined.  That they have been dealt a 'lot' in life, that they have 'bad' luck, or others have 'good' luck.  There is a reluctance to accept responsibility for our situation or our contributions to it or what WE can do to get out of it or to a situation that is better.  Some people believe everything is pre-determined.  Some people put all their faith in a Supreme Being of some nature.  Is this truth or is it the blame game?

I turn to the dictionary (Merriam-Webster):

Serendipity:  the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for

Destiny: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

Fate:  the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do : destiny
a : an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end

Why am I pondering this?  Because the road I have walked, am walking and will walk in the future have been full of forks.  Hell, even very sharp knives!  We are all presented with countless choices in our lives and those choices bring consequences and more choices.  When faced with a challenge we always have two options.  Choose love and light or choose fear and victim consciousness.  We can be pro-active and take action to change it or we can blame someone or something else for our 'situation' and be stagnant. Neither are necessarily right or wrong, but they are very different and will influence all future choices.  

On September 22nd, I married my love.  I knew when I met him, he was 'the one'.  Not in the way you think.  It was so much deeper than that.  Truly a spiritual soul-level recognition.  I saw it in his eyes.  I felt it in my heart center. We already *knew* each other. A knowing that everything that had happened in our lives before that day had to happen to lead us to each other at the 'right' time.  

The work was not done there, it was in a way, just beginning.  We had to fight what was in our heads, release old and negative patterns of behavior and thinking, get our of our logical, thinking brain, ignore the 'warnings' of well-meaning friends and family and listen to our hearts.  Listen to our souls.  CHOOSE to walk the road together.   It would've been way easier to just walk away from the challenge and there were many opportunities to.  We did not. 

Was our instant connection serendipitous?  Was it destiny?  Was it fate?  Was it pre-determined in a previous lifetime?  Was it luck?  Or was it just a wedding where two people danced, were attracted to each other and chose to pursue a relationship eventually?  Maybe all of the above?  

As I prepared to marry again, it was not something I took lightly. It was a very well thought out choice and only after much work and introspection on both our parts to battle our demons and overcome our own obstacles to our happiness.

Initially, I didn't think it was a good idea to ever marry again.  The first one didn't go so well.  Although I believe my first marriage was not 'wrong', it was not meant to last a lifetime.  It was necessary to our individual growth as humans.  Did we 'contract' for it before we incarnated?  Maybe.  Maybe not. We both had lessons to learn from each other and about ourselves.  One of us outgrew the relationship.  It was not an easy relationship nor an easy choice to leave.  We created three beautiful children.  We buried one of them.  Our paths diverged, I chose the harder, less traveled one.  I knew it was time to leave the relationship.  It was hell.  It was right.  I knew that we both deserved a 'right' relationship someday and we were not 'it' for each other.  That our children would be better off seeing their parents in loving and healthy relationships with someone else rather than the contentious one ours had evolved into.  I am trying very hard to forgive him and myself for our wrongs still, to this day, nearly 7 years after I chose to leave that relationship.  To release the negative emotions and patterns, to fill it instead with love and light and peace.  It's my greatest challenge.  

The greatest hurdle to get over in my mind is the sense that had Meghan not died, this road might never have presented itself.  The 'window' might have been missed.  Now, if I subscribed to the destiny and fate philosophy, I should know eventually, Joe and I would've found our way to each other anyway.  I know even if she had not died, my relationship with her father would've ended, probably just not as quickly.  Do I wonder where I'd be in life had she not died?  Or had I chosen not to leave my first marriage?  I have, but I don't dwell on it.  I know, I really, truly know with all that I am, that I am in the right place, with the right person, right now.  There is no purpose to living in the past. It's gone.  Over.  Can't be changed.  

Yet, my brain is still having a hard time assimilating that the greatest pain I've ever known was a catalyst for me to find the courage to follow my heart.  To live my destiny, knowing at the time not where it would lead me, just knowing what I had to do in the moment.  In a way, the worst day of my life has lead to the happiest day of my life (next to the birth of my children, of course!)  Do I wonder if this was also her/our 'destiny'?  Sure, I wonder.  Do I know?  Don't take this the wrong way, for if I could get Meg back, or go back and change the outcome of that day I would, in a heartbeat, but her death taught me so much about life.  It taught me about what's really important.  What priorities should be.  About doing the *right* thing.  Living for the moment.  It opened my eyes to a spiritual world I had once known and buried and re-discovered with her guidance.  Her death brought me the greatest pain I've ever known and yet she gave me some tremendous gifts in her life and in her death.  I grew and changed in ways I might never have otherwise.

All of those things led to the day I stood at the crossroad with Joe.  When I chose that road less traveled by with him, because I knew... with all of my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my being, that it was right, despite the chatter in my head.  I knew it was not a paved and easy road.  It is a beautifully lined path, with sections of tremendous beauty, peace and serenity.  There are ups and downs, fraught with rocks, exposed roots and with slippery slopes.  When the rain comes, it gets muddy and treacherous, but we can hold each other's hand and offer support, help and unconditional love and respect.  We are stronger and better together than we are apart. I also know that the rain is necessary, for when the sun shines again, new growth happens.  The bond becomes stronger, the path a little easier, because we walk it together.  

So is our relationship and our path to marriage serendipitous?  Is it our destiny or fate?  Have we lived other lifetimes in some capacity together?  Was it simply a choice we made to be together for the rest of this lifetime?  Did our past experiences really have anything to do with our relationship and choice to marry each other?  

In the end, it doesn't really matter.  I believe it is a combination of all of these things.  Even when there is such a thing as 'destiny', one still has the capacity to choose.  We chose to live the rest of this lifetime with each other. What matters is that we love each other.  Unconditionally and wholly.  The connection was instantaneous and strong.  You can feel it.  You can see it.  It transcends the physical.  It's emotional, it's spiritual, it's transcendental.  It is love.  Pure and simple.  Bright and strong.  It's right.  It just is.  We don't have to explain it.  We know it.  The road we choose is one together.  We know not where it leads, but we know it's meant to be walked hand in hand. 

It's not the destination.  It's the journey.  That road, it turns out, it really does make all the difference...

1 comment:

  1. Did your relationship "go down" after you lost your daughter? My husband and I lost our son in 2006 and there were times we would try and find blame in each other. . etc. . . Or was it already rocky before that? Do you two both "cope" with her death seperatly? You don't have to answer these things if you don't want to. I am always curious how other couples "handle" the grief of losing a child. I know on the days leading up to the day we lost our son sometimes I just fall into my husbands arms and I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to say anything and he just knows, as he is feeling the same pain! I appreciate your blog. My friend recently lost her daughter and it has been the first time I don't know what to say to her! IDK what is going on with me! I have been there and I should have something to offer and I am blank! I am afraid I will be like some of the idiots that came around us and said stupid things when we lost our son. I know saying nothing is not good either! So, I have directed her to your blog and a few other resources until I am given the words and timing to speak!