Unraveling

Do you ever feel like a ball of yarn?

Seriously.  I was thinking our lives are not unlike a ball of yarn that grows over time.  It may be made of different colors and textures of yarn, but the one end in the middle is the core, the essence of who you were at birth.  That core is surrounded by the weaving of the yarn and your life experiences over time.  In the beginning, your parents help you grow your ball of yarn.  As you get older, you take control over it's growth and development.

The loose end is the one that keeps weaving the ball.  Wrapping it around itself in different ways and patterns.  It, and you, grows over time.  Each new layer a testament to how you have grown and what you have learned along the way through each of your life experiences and choices.

Sometimes, you unravel a bit.  Intentionally.  Usually to create something with your yarn.  Friends. Relationships. Jobs. Families. A new hobby.  That little bit of unraveling leads ultimately to a bigger ball of yarn.  A bigger and better you.  A more tightly woven and intricate you.  A beautiful you.  A wiser you.

Of course, with each relationship you weave, you in part, join two balls of yarn.  Sometimes the result is a beautiful new creation that grows out of both of your balls of yarn.  Sometimes, when relationships end, the string is traumatically cut.  Sometimes, it's just frayed.  Sometimes it's patched back together.

Sometimes, the unexpected happens.  You may find yourself unraveling unexpectedly.  Not by choice. You feel a bit out of control.  Perhaps someone throws you, like a ball.  You land with a thud on the floor, unraveled and tangled. Or the cat chases you around the house like a toy, because you roll so nicely with your round-ness.  It makes you feel out of control, dizzy, confused. You might even roll underneath something and be seemingly forgotten or feel lost and alone.  Someone might unexpectedly and traumatically sever a part of your string, leaving you quite literally, broken.

You are not always recognized for the amazing ball of experiences you are.  Your essence is not noticed by everyone.  You may not be understood for who and what you are.  You might even forget who you are and how you got where you are.

Sometimes, you simply stumble or fall, and begin to unravel.  This is not done with purpose, rather seemingly by accident (or maybe the cat did it), and you - the ball of yarn, rolls along like an unfurled yo-yo that doesn't come back to it's starting position.  You might be rolling down hill, or bouncing down a flight of stairs, feeling out of control and chaotic.  It may happen slowly over time, or be quite sudden and fast.

Then, you come to rest.  You are a mess.  No longer a neat ball of yarn.  Now, you are all disheveled. You are all in a tangle.  You might even have knots in your string.  Others may not notice or care that you are lying there askew.  They might step on you, kick or push you out of the way, pick you up and place you somewhere else, but not try to fix the mess you are in.  They might even make it worse! You might be ignored or forgotten.  You might want to just hide, because you feel ugly, confused, and unworthy.  Unsure of how to wind yourself back up to be a vibrant,healthy, happy ball of yarn again.

Perhaps you are wondering where the hell this analogy came from.  Today, I am feeling like that disheveled, unraveled, lost ball of yarn.  I feel frayed at the edges.  I am quite exposed but wish I was under the bed.  Before I fix my unwoven and frayed end, I need to sit in this place of being a tangled mess and be with it.  I need to figure out why I feel so unwound, unbalanced, and chaotic.  How it happened and how to fix it so when I wind myself back up, I do it smoothly and with purpose, not half-assed and in a hurry just to 'make it better.'

If we try to wind ourselves up too fast, we don't truly figure out why we became unwound in the first place.  We just cover up the problem that caused us to unravel in the first place.  Lots of people do this.  They are cautious to be sure they never unravel or if they do, that no one ever sees them do it. They cover the knots and dirty bits quickly with their loose end, without doing the work. Without understanding or truly taking the time to figure out what the lesson was in their loose strings. Without truly healing before they add to their ball.  Soon those bits of chaos get buried by new experiences, but they are still there.

The unraveling helps us to go back and understand, do the work, figure out where our pattern of weaving went astray, and to fix it by healing and re-weaving our ball of yarn in a happy and healthy way.

Introspection is good for us yarn balls.  As we grow older, we find our sphere of fuzzy goodness is made of many interwoven strings.  Sometimes it's just one of those strings that gets frayed, unwound, or even cut.  Sometimes it's more than one.  Sometimes it's superficial and sometimes it's a deeper string.

I need to tie off some of my strings.  I need to end them with purpose and let them go with love. They are still a part of my yarn ball, just ones that are no longer in need of being attended to.   They are draining me, their frayed edges demanding time and attention I don't have or even want to give to them anymore.  They served their purpose. Their lesson has been learned and integrated.  Their time gone full circle.

Other strings, I need to add to my yarn ball, or nurture and grow.

I have decided I need more sparkly yarn in my ball.

Yes.  Sparkles.  That's what I need.

Right after I roll under the bed and take a nap...