Say their names and remember their light

Today is December 9th.  It's the second Sunday of December.  For you, perhaps a day of shopping, baking, cleaning, holiday decorating or celebrating Hanukkah. 

For those of us who have lost a child, it's a special day of remembrance.  It's the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle lighting. You can visit their Web site here to learn more about this touching tribute and to sign or read their virtual guest book, available today only.  I made myself cry writing my entry. (7:50 am, CDT) I encourage you to at least read a few entries.  It will give you amazing perspective. Worldwide Candle Lighting

The Compassionate Friends are a bereavement support group for parents who have lost children of any age.  They are a wonderful resource and source of support.  Many local chapters arrange for events where they can come together as a community to light their candles and remember their children.  It's not just for parents.   Siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, extended family members and friends can attend or light a candle.

I often attend a local event that includes dinner, a ceremonial reading of names of the children of parents in attendance by their parents, lighting of a votive by their child's picture and hanging of an ornament on a tree for their child followed by readings and ending with the candle lighting and a period of quiet remembrance to the song  Tonight I Hold This Candle by Alan Pederson, written for his daughter, Ashley, after she died.  Take a listen, it's beautiful. We are a special community, we always welcome new members, although we wish there were never any members at all...My parents attend a ceremony in their retirement village, where people gather at a local church to remember their children and grandchildren.

The Compassionate Friends Web site encourages everyone to light a candle at 7 pm local time, wherever you are, to create a virtual 24 hour wave of light around the world to honor and remember those children gone too soon and to support their parents in their grief.  I assure you, I am not the only one you know who has lost a child.  Whether or not they have shared their loss may be a mystery, but everyone knows at least one person who has lost a child.  I pray you never know that pain.  We belong to a club no one wants to join and you can't quit.  We find comfort with each other, for no one else understands such a profound loss unless you've experienced it yourself.

What parents often want most after the death of their child is that they be remembered.  This is the poem that is read at our ceremony and at our home when we light our 5 candle 'Meggie candle'.

We Light These Five Candles

We light these five candles in honor of you, our children who have moved on to the next place.  For we know you are with us today in spirit, shining you love and light upon us.

The first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

The second candle represents our courage - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives for the greater good.

The third candle we light in memory of you - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.

The fourth candle is the light of love. Every day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.

The fifth candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever.

We love you!

Another poem:

Please Say Their Names

The time of concern is over.

No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us.

A curtain descends.

The moment has passed.

Lives slip from frequent recall.

There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them.

For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless.

What can be said, you ask?

Please say "their names" to us.

Love does not die. 

Their names are written on our lives. The sound of their voices replay within our minds.

You may feel they are dead. We feel they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome.

You say, "They were our children"; we say, " They are".

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. 

It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stirs within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future.

Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you.

Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond.

We are what we have to be.

What we have lost, you cannot feel.

What we have gained you may not see.

Please say "their names" for they are alive. 

We will meet them again, although in many ways we’ve never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. They are our children and we love them as we always did. More each day.

PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES 

Author unknown

I hope you will join us tonight at 7 pm and light a candle.  Call to mind those children you are aware of who have passed on to the next place, whether you've met them or not.  Take a moment to remember them, pray for their parents, siblings and family members, that they may find comfort and peace in their loss and feel for a moment your own vulnerability as a human, parent or potential parent.  Say their names.  Remember them.  Then go hug your children.  

Tonight I will hold in my heart:

Meghan, Katie, Chloe, Nick, Thomas, John, Annalise, Katharine, Aiden, Aidan, Kai, Abby, Michael, Ethan, Owen, Issac, 'little bean', Molly, Patrick, and all the children whose names I don't know or cannot recall.  

Thank you.