Manifest a-go-go

Happy New Year!

As I sit here on New Year's eve looking back on the past year, it is no surprise that I am feeling a bit under the weather.  I am tired!  Man, was I busy!

Last January I decided to actively manifest positive change in my life.  I wrote a post about some of my goals for 2013 in February Destination Manifestation.  Curious how I did?  I was, too, as I've not read it again until now.  My goals were:

• Family Vacation :  Accomplished with 2 weeks in Florida! We had a blast and a much needed combination of relaxation and family bonding and fun.
• Balance of physical and mental health: 
• I started running more and went from running 3 miles to 13.6 and will run my first half-marathon at Disney on January 11th!  Holy crap, I did it! It inspired me to start a dedicated running blog, too!  I'm not sure what happened to me, but I am more fit than I've been in a long time and it feels good!
• My husband and I danced.  A lot!  We had a blast doing it, too.  We've made some wonderful friends from the studio.  We 'graduated' Bronze 2 of the Arthur Murray Curriculum. We participated in a competition which was tons of fun and we performed a few 'showcase' dances during the year, including a very special one for Meggie at the Compassionate Friends Candle Ceremony of Remembrance just a few weeks ago.  We said we'd never perform or compete but apparently, we were mistaken! ;-) 
• We spent quality time with friends although it's never enough. 
• I connected more with my spirituality including practicing Reiki more, becoming a certified Angel Card Reader, and starting a spiritually minded blog/Web site Pathways to Love and Light and Facebook page .  I also attended the Natural Living Expo which was a wonderfully nurturing day for me.
• Teaching and writing
• Wow.  Yeah.  This.  I participated in NaNoWriMo and wrote over 57,000 words in that book I've wanted to write for 9 years.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  It was making the time and committing to it that was hard.  That goal (and the writing of the book) will carry over into this year to hopefully realize it's full potential as a published work by the end of 2014. The book is a combination of support and inspiration for bereaved parents and those who care about them and my and Meggie's story. 
• I am still teaching CPR, First Aid and Safety classes locally and love it
• I got a job at a local community college teaching adult education classes on metaphysical topics like energetic anatomy, working with crystals, space clearing, introduction to Angel Card Reading and coping with loss.  I absolutely love it. 
• I continue to share Meghan's Hope, blog, maintain informational Facebook pages and share my thoughts in the hope it helps someone, somehow to be a better and safer person or work toward the greater good. 
• New Job (the dream job)
• While the job I had was wonderful, it was not the right fit for this time in my life.  The hours and demands were simply incompatible with the kind of mothering I wanted and needed to give to my boys and my need for work and life balance.  I was able to manifest a wonderful job working fewer and more flexible hours that has afforded me the ability to be there for my boys and my husband and to better balance my crazy life.  While not perfect, it is much better in many ways.  

I guess I didn't do too badly!  It's amazing what some clear intentions and determination can do along with asking for a little (specific) help from the Universe. 

So in continuing with the manifestation theme, tomorrow is a new day, new month and new year.  2014!  I like even years!  It's also a new moon!  What a wonderful energy for manifesting.  Out with the old, in with the new!  As I think about my intentions for the coming year, they of course begin with the usual.  Intentions for health, compassion for others, choosing love instead of fear and especially important for me, nurturing me and not overextending myself.  I'm bad at saying no and need to say yes to me and my family more and no to things that take me away from the things I love more. 

Many of my specific goals are continuations of this year's.

1. Quality family time.  This year it's a cruise vacation that's been in the works for over a year with my husband, my boys and some friends.  We're all very excited about it!  My youngest son and I will also get some quality time together as he was invited to play soccer in Barcelona, Spain this year.  He and I will be the only ones from our family going due to the expense of the trip and the fact it was unexpected and not in the budget!  
2. Continuing to stay active and healthy.  Aside from keeping up with running (although 10K is probably more my maintenance distance) and dancing, I know I need to make positive changes to my eating habits.  Eliminating foods that I am sensitive to and doing more menu planning and cooking are things I am being strongly guided to do.  This is not a diet resolution.  I have no need to lose weight.  I do need to eat more healthfully and listen to my body in terms of what it needs and what it doesn't like. THAT will be the challenge of this year's health goals.  I'd also like to get back into yoga and spend more time out in nature with my family.
3. Have more fun!  I shall begin in a week's time with my trip to Disney with just the girls and the support of my parents and aunt for the WDW Marathon weekend.  We will eat, drink , run and play with the Mouse and his friends.  I'll dance in the rain, make snow angels and be all kinds of silly throughout the year.
4. Write, write, write.  The book is 3/4 done in very rough draft condition.  I will finish it by the end of February and plan to self-publish with Hay House.  My goal is to have a printed copy in my hands by the end of October, but most definitely by Thanksgiving.  I will continue to blog as spirit moves me to do so.  I would like to participate in NaNoWriMo again this year for a different book!
5. Teach, teach, teach!  My dream job is to be able to manifest all the abundance I need through teaching, writing and leading seminars/coaching.  I love to teach.  I love to provide support and guidance. I love to help people.  I know this is my calling.  This is a transitional year for sure. I will practice Reiki more and pursue my master teacher certification, I will give more intuitive readings, I will continue to teach the classes I love and attract the people who are ready for them to me. 
6. Connect with friends and family more deeply and purposefully.  Life is short.  I know this all too well. My husband and I recently realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of living parallel lives and falling victim to routine.  Not only between us, but among friends and with our kids.  Communication and purposeful planning are vital.  One can't become complacent or make assumptions.  Yes, life is busy. Yes, there is always something else to do. There are priorities and they may well change day to day. But as the saying goes, life is about the moments that make it yours and meaningful, not about the time you have here.  Live.  Love.  Laugh.  Together. 

So although I may ring in the new year sound asleep, I will wake tomorrow and greet the new year with anticipation and focused intention.  I will charge my crystals in the powerful energy of the new moon and the new year.  I will hold a family meeting to set our family intentions and expectations for the new year.  I will take my homeopathic remedies (refusing to get fully sick), make a healthy family dinner and self-Reiki.  I will write.  I will greet 2014 with gratitude and optimism.  It will be a great year to manifest!

What will you manifest?

May your new year be filled with blessings of abundance, joy and love.  Happy New Year!

Gah! Injury!

Cross post from my running blog at http://runkimmyrun.wordpress.com/

It was almost too good to be true.  9 months of training with no significant injury other than a little ache and stiffness here and there.   Now, 2 weeks before the WDW half-marathon, I suffer an injury.  Gah!

The past several weeks have been challenging to say the least!  The lack of daylight and my work schedule being incompatible is frustrating.   I prefer to run early in the am but it's been too dark, too cold and I've simply not had enough time to do it and get to work on time.   The weather has been awful!  Bitter cold, ice, snow, and wind all making for variable and challenging road running conditions.   Especially for long runs.  Not to mention misery for this girl who HATES to be cold!  I do not have access to a treadmill or indoor running arena nor do I have time to even join a gym for the winter.  Life and work are simply too busy.  The holidays certainly didn't help! 

I've been tweaking my schedule to run when I can but it has not always been the 3x/week I want or need to train at.  The weather is not helping, especially this last week of training with bitter, bitter cold and a major snowstorm predicted!  Again!  At this critical time for training, it's been the most difficult to maintain even the simple 3 mi runs during the week.  It's frustrating.  Now, this. 

Last Saturday I did my last long run.  I was scheduled for 14 miles.  I've done 13.2 multiple times in training now.  The weather was actually decent, in the upper 30's when I started and low 40's when I finished.  (I can't believe I just said those temperatures were decent, but after the past few weeks, it was glorious!)  I was feeling good and had slept well.  I'd even eaten fairly well the day before and forced myself to have some carbs for breakfast.  I was doing fantastic for the first 5 miles or so, then, with one step, I felt my sacroiliac joint (in the middle of my low back, where the pelvis meets the spine) slip.  I winced and said a few expletives.  I think the uneven terrain and the camber of the road have taken it's toll on my body.  My left knee and right ankle were also feeling at odds.  It happened before, less severely, the last long run I did, too.  Short runs don't bother it.  Something about my biomechanics at about mile 5 seems to trigger it.  And only since the roads became snow and ice covered.

This has happened before, though not from running, and is actually an old injury (full term pregnancy with twins and then a fall down the stairs while holding both of them, landing on my butt were the initial injuries and it's never quite been the same since) but for whatever reason, that one step re-injured it.  I kept running, but at a slower pace, as I was doing intervals.  I tried to fix it (the PT in me has a few tricks, but they are difficult to do on yourself and while on the side of the road).  I paid crazy attention to the biomechanics of my running.  I found that it actually hurt more to start and stop than it did to run.  The last 4 miles were really tough.  I was sore and tired and cranky.  I dropped my intervals to 30:30 from 90:30, shortened my stride, and my pace slowed by 2 min/mile!  My goal was just to finish the mileage at that point.

In hindsight, I should have stopped when I felt the initial pain.  If it wasn't my last long run, I would have.  About an hour after I was finished, I was in a fair amount of discomfort.  My husband tried to help with some guidance from me on more 'tricks' and I stretched.  I eventually took some ibuprofen.  The next day it was a little better, but still unstable.  Yesterday, better still, but still unstable.  I tried to run.  Failed in less than 30 seconds.  Instead did a slow shuffle 'run' with about 1/4 of my usual stride length and I ran in the middle of the road (neighborhood).  I shortened my intervals and walked a lot more than usual. It felt good to move, and more comfortable on level terrain (although still hilly) but I was clearly still not able to run right.

Time to call in reinforcements!  My chiropractor was generous in squeezing me in early this am and she got me back into alignment.  I am resting today.  I want to walk/shuffle tomorrow but should probably take the day off and rest.  Especially since I am feeling a bit under the weather and seem to have a cold!   Snow Thurs/Fri so no running then.  I have 5 miles scheduled for Saturday.   And a massage!  :=)  I also scheduled another visit with the chiropractor Tuesday, after my last short run and before I leave for Florida.

So frustrated!  Which surprises me, since I really never thought I'd run more than a mile not that long ago or feel badly about missing a training run.  Now, here I am having to talk myself out of running or to back off my training to heal an injury!  Does this mean I like running?  Does this mean I miss not being able to run?  Who am I?!

The good news is that I am a PT, so I know what I did and how to fix it and I have an amazing chiropractor and massage therapist helping me recover and prepare.  I know I can do the distance and the fact it will not be snowing, icy or freezing (assuming accuweather is not totally off base) on Jan 11th in Florida and the course is flat (yes, I know about the 'hill' of an on ramp and it's nothing compared to what I run around here regularly so I'm not worried), I know those things will be in my favor. The most encouraging part?  I'M RUNNING AT DISNEY!  While I'd prefer to run it at race pace, even if I have to shuffle run, drop my intervals or slow my pace due to pain, I'll run, I'll finish and I'll have a blast doing it.

And you know what I'll do to celebrate?  I'm going to Disney World!!!

Dual purpose running: 26.2 with Donna to end breast cancer

Cross posted from my running blog:  Run Kimmy, Run!

As I have been preparing to run the WDW half-marathon in January, I've been listening to 2 podcasts.  I love both of them and they have provided a wealth of knowledge and insight both about training for a half-marathon and running at Disney.  They are the Extra Mile Podcast: Galloway Edition and the Mickey Miles Podcast.  They can both be found on iTunes and Facebook as well.  I highly recommend them both as I have enjoyed them immensely and in fact, look forward to their meet ups at Disney!

Last week, both podcasts mentioned a race called 26.2 with Donna to finish breast cancer, also known as the breast cancer marathon, for the Donna Foundation.   Donna Deegan is a 3x breast cancer survivor.  She is all about love and banishing fear, a topic and attitude near and dear to my own heart.  The Foundation raises money for breast cancer research and needy families impacted by breast cancer in their local community.  They spoke so highly of the race and the Foundation that I was compelled to investigate.  I was also intrigued by mention of a way to virtually run the race if you could not run in person.  I love charity runs.  This one captured my heart.  A charity where 100% of the proceeds from race registration and donations go to needy families or a specific breast cancer research program at the Mayo Clinic.  I refuse to donate to large charities where precious few of the hard earned and donated dollars go to actual patients or research.  Not so with the Donna Foundation!

Upon further investigation, this race is more than a fundraiser.  It supports both a wonderful community of runners and those who have or are battling with breast cancer or have loved ones who are, have, or have lost their battle to this disease.  I'm really sad I can't run this one in person.  They say the full marathon is a 26 mile party.  If I were ever to do a full, this might just be the one!  I did register to do the virtual half-marathon run. You can run any half or full marathon (or any number of miles/races that add up to those distances) in January or February of 2014 and virtually 'run' Donna.  I shall be running both the WDW half and the Donna half at the same time.  Upon meeting the race and fundraising requirements, you also receive a finisher medal in the mail.  It's pretty awesome, but not as awesome as kicking breast cancer's ass!

I wish there were more runs like this one.  I love the idea of a virtual run and how it's tied to fundraising.  I love what this Foundation does on so many levels.  I love how it supports people in fitness, running and battling their demons with love and the support of their community.  I will proudly wear my Donna bib right along with my Disney one and when the legs get tired, I'll draw on the strength of the millions of women who have battled something far more challenging and daunting, and cross that finish line with and for them.

It's like having a runner's high just from thinking about it!

Anyone want to join me?

Countdown to the WDW Half-Marathon: Final Race Instructions!!

This is a cross post from my running blog Run Kimmy, Run!

Wow!  Time is flying faster than Tink!  I can't believe that in just shy of 2 weeks I'll be in Florida for the WDW Marathon weekend!  It seemed so far away last January when I decided I wanted to be there this year.  It's almost unbelievable that I AM going to be there this year!

Last week, it got more real. I received the eagerly anticipated final race instructions from Run Disney for the 2014 WDW Marathon Weekend.  Because it's a crazy busy time in my life for many reasons, I have not digested all the information completely but I can't wait to find the time to do so! Perhaps the most exciting information was receiving my bib number and corral placement and being able to print my race waiver!  I just cannot wait to hold that magical bib in my hands!  This is really happening!  Soon!  Like in 2 weeks!  Yay!

They have significantly increased the number of corrals this year but also significantly decreased the number of people in each corral.  I think this is a good thing.  It also looks as if they have decreased the starting intervals between corrals as well so each corral is sent off sooner than in previous years, likely due to the decrease in the number of runners in each corral, making for a hopefully less congested course, especially at the start.  It does appear we need to be at the start area early for this reason.  Instructions say all runners must board the buses by 4 am to make it to the starting corral on time for a 5:30 am race start.  No doubt we'll be on the first available bus.  :-)

The race program for the entire weekend is also available.  It is extensive and tremendously informative and not at all friendly for printing at home thanks to the color saturation and the 36 pages!  I am expecting to receive a hard copy of it when we pick up our race packets at the Expo.

The program contains a wealth of information about everything you need to know about the WDW Marathon Weekend and all the events encompassing transportation, corral and course maps, spectator information, special events like the pasta party, cool down party, ChEAR squad information and race retreat information, race etiquette for runners, safety and nutrition information.

There is also detailed information on the Expo including hours of operation and a map of the Wide World of Sports Complex for ease of knowing where you need to go to find your packets, Run Disney merchandise, vendors and speakers.   There is a booth specific map of the vendor area so if you know which vendors you wish to see, it saves you from wandering around looking for them.  I love this!  Advance planning is key for a stress free Expo (and shopping) experience!  This should help with time management and make for an efficient packet pick up and Expo experience.  We're planning to go to the Expo the first day it's open (Wednesday) after we arrive, so we're hoping it's not terribly crowded.

And of course, there is the bling!  Donald, you're all mine!

Now, I must go study that program!

A visitor from Heaven

December 22.  It's only 3 days before Christmas.  I'm listening to holiday music about to wrap gifts.  Quite a contrast from what I was doing at this time 9 years ago.  That day, I was in church.  It was a Wednesday.  It was the funeral mass for my daughter.

Ave Maria is softly playing now, as it was then.  It nearly instantly just moved me to tears.

The day your child, or any loved one, dies is likely the worst day of your entire life.  I do believe, the day you bury them (or have a memorial service) is the second worst day of your life.  It was for me.

What I enjoy most about this day now is honoring Meg's memory, as we did then.  Through pictures, stories and memories.  For funerals are less about death and more about a celebration of life.  They are for us, the living, the loved ones still here on earth.  She is fine. She is free.  She is pure light and love.  Those of us who loved and miss her are the ones who feel the pain of her loss, not her.

I often find that pictures or music speak louder than words.  A friend made this video for us.  It captures the love so beautifully.  Thus, I ask of you to take 3 minutes and honor my little visitor from Heaven.  The music is by Twila Paris. The song is called "Visitor From Heaven".  It's beautiful.  It sort of says it all.  Let me know what you think.

As the years go by, the pain is less sharp.  The days between December 18th (the day she died) and Christmas are still the worst ones of the entire year, but I am able to mostly function on most of them.  They are all hard, with the ones of significance of course being harder.  Every year on this day I am keenly aware of the significance of the day for myself and my family.  I remember, though in far less detail than you would think, what I did that day and how I felt.  It was so very sad.  So very wrong.  So very wrong to be attending a funeral mass for your own child.  So very wrong to gather with family and friends in the Christmas season to bury a sweet child.  I wrote in greater detail last year about this day.  If you wish to read it you can find it here:  Fly High, Fly Free

Today, it's foggy outside.  Sort of matches my mood...

Yet, I also hold in my heart her essence, her love, her light.  She is part of me and I, part of her. And that transcends death.  She will always live through me, her brothers, her legacy.  Missing her is human.  Loving her is pure spirit.  She is near.  She always will be.

Mixed emotions

Another angelversary is drawing to a close.  As I sit here gazing at the candle softly glowing next to me, I am filled with mixed emotions.  And fatigue.  So.  Very.  Tired.  Grief is exhausting.

There is relief that this day is almost done. Another horrible anniversary day has come and I have survived.

For the record.  I am exhausted.  Not from lack of sleep but from abundance of emotion.

There is abundant gratitude.  For those who lent their support both then and today.  For those who listened to Meggie and have shared her story and made their homes safer both today and before today.  For those who did share my post today and encourage their friends to do the same today.  Gratitude to all those who reached out to us, helped us, listened to me, held me, cried with me, brought me food and chocolate and endured the storm with me over the years and who I still call friends.

I am also filled with gratitude for the complete strangers, who through their comments and messages to me offer love and support, who say Meggie's name and comment on her pretty face or her amazing gift of saving their child's life because she compelled them to secure their furniture and TV's.  Who thank me for sharing so their kids can sleep safer tonight.  YOU are why I do what I do. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

There is also sadness.  It goes beyond the obvious. I'm sad another year has passed without my beautiful girl. I'm sad I still have to endure the memories of the day we waked her and buried her.  I'm even a bit angry over the fact we still have to celebrate another Christmas without her.  I am sad she's now been dead 3 times as long as she lived.

There is sadness when I think of the other losses that have happened over the years since her death. Sadness for the changes and struggles and collateral losses that her brothers, and indeed all of our family, have had to endure. Sadness because so many of my relationships changed.  With family. With friends.  With colleagues. For me.  For my boys. Sadness because my life, as I knew it, ceased to exist  9 years ago today and I had to struggle to find some sort of new 'normal' on my own.  I had no map or guide. I had no mentor.  I had no leader.  I had no experience with the loss of a child.  I had a broken heart and a broken spirit.  I had to stumble through, finding my own way.  It forced me to find my inner compass.  To listen to and trust my intuition. It was, in fact, a gift in disguise.

There is also disappointment tonight.  Disappointment that some of my former friends can't understand how broken and depressed I was that first year and completely misinterpreted or misunderstood my words or actions.  How poor some of my choices were in life because I was depressed, broken and lost.  How so many of us were just unable to bridge the gap of or understand our differences in our experiences, beliefs, our pain, and our coping strategies such that simply growing apart or severing relationships was easier than sitting with each other and working it out to find our the real reason for the breakdowns of our relationship and trying to fix them.  Some could not have been saved, but some could have been.  Even now.  Reading about the turmoil, strife and relationship breakdowns reminded me of just how broken, confused, and lost I was.  I lost some really good friends because of it. I wish some were willing to come back to the table now to discuss it, but it would seem they are not.  Maybe someday...

I feel tremendous disappointment that so few of my 200+ 'friends' actually did share her story on their Facebook or G+ pages (but those of you who did, rock, and I love you for it), and that even fewer of the Meghan's Hope Facebook fans shared it.  I wish I knew how many of those who did share it, actually read it (the "Be with me..." post).  Not that it matters as much, I just want the information to reach as many people as it can because that's what saves lives and keeps kids safer. However that happens works for me.  Still, I can see how many shares there were directly from her, my, or your page (if you are my friend), and sure, there are other ways to share I may not see, and not everyone is on Facebook or G+ or Twitter regularly, but it's a good gauge.  Especially when there are 13,000 people following her Facebook page!  156 shares makes me both happy (it's 156 more than yesterday) and sad, when it could have been thousands.

There is also an edge of anger.  People share stupid shit all the time.  There are more shares of a postcard about wine O'clock or shares and comments on a poll about which way toilet paper should hang than there are serious posts and shares about protecting kids and saving lives.  What the hell kind of world do we live in?  Right, one where that bad stuff won't happen to us if we don't acknowledge it.  Social media can be amazingly powerful and useful or just entertaining.  There is a place and time for both.

Forgive me.  I'm a grieving mother.  Grief makes you irritable.  It gives you a perspective you don't want, trust me. I speak my truth.  Sometimes, that involves a little ranting.  :-)

One thing I've learned is it's OK to feel what you feel.  It's even healthy to share with YOU how I feel, because, well, then you know.  I used to stew about insensitive comments and blatant ignorance of my requests and pleas to share Meghan's story.  Now, it might anger or disappoint me, but all I can do is ask, acknowledge how I feel (and even say it 'out loud'), and ask the Universe to get the message to the right people.  It's out of my hands once I've asked, once I've written, and once I've shared.  The ball, as they say, is now in your court or that of the person on the receiving end of the information.  I just pray you or they are not one of the ones who messages me at some later point and says, like so many have, "I wish I knew this (or listened to you)  before it happened to MY child."

Aside from my usual rituals of this day of remembrance, I took some time today to delve a little deeper.  I looked not only at those first few painful weeks, but the process of getting through that first year. As I re-read the letter I began to Meghan almost 9 years ago, I read beyond that first year to the second year. I was reminded by my own words of what a roller coaster that first year and into the second year after her death was.  It's amazing what you don't remember or have difficulty placing on a time line.  I'm so grateful I wrote it down.

It was apparent how my anger and depression really ebbed and flowed.  For the entire first year.  The second year was more about changes but I was still pretty emotionally a wreck. It was interesting how repetitive I was in what I wrote and how I processed my feelings, especially the first few months.  How almost cyclical my moods were.  How the anniversary days each month were so difficult.  How alone I was and felt. One day it was all about my love for her and a spiritual understanding and quest and then, missing her deeply and profoundly.  Then I was angry and asking why again. Then thinking I was coming out of the sadness only to feel profoundly depressed again.  It was fascinating to see how motivated I was to further the mission of Meghan's Hope and yet how exhausted I was doing virtually nothing else and through it all, how frustrated I was with how hard it was to raise awareness.

I was reminded by my own words how my boys processed and coped and how I tried to help them.  How many messages and signs from Meggie we received, particularly through her twin.  How so many relationships in my life changed in that first year after she died.  How I struggled to make sense of the entire experience and indeed, of life itself.  It provided insight into my spiritual evolution.  It was like literally watching myself inch my way along, aimless and lost, then cocooning myself in contemplation and introspection and nurturing my spiritual growth and then,slowly and tentatively, emerging with wings full of purpose, confidence in what I wanted, needed and deserved in life and slowly brightening with color and moving toward change for the greater good.  The path was not an easy one nor was it sunny and warm.  I sure got lost and battered by rain often.

Change never comes easy.   That is an entirely different story.  Suffice it to say, the changes in my life the past 9 years have been many.  They have not come easy or without tremendous pain, heartache, and difficult emotional work. I've had to dance with my demons, find, speak and live my truth.  Stand up for me, my boys and the greater good.  All of these changes, all of these difficult and downright painful experiences have led me down an amazing path and to an amazing life.  One I'd not have likely had if it had not been for the amazing gift of one Miss Meggie.

The next week is the most difficult one of the entire year.  My re-living of the rituals associated with death like her calling hours and funeral and of course, Christmas, are painful and difficult.  Not as significantly as today, but I am acutely aware of them and what I was doing 9 years ago on each of the next 7 days.

I guess my point is that grieving is an evolutionary process.  It doesn't end, it changes.  It, like emotion, ebbs and flows.  Everyone does it differently, I just happen to be a bit more vocal than most about my own experiences.  It is as helpful for me as I hope it is for someone else who happens upon it. So today, I am filled with love, gratitude, sadness, anger, disappointment but mostly, hope.  Hope that something I say, do, or write will save a life or help someone cope with the loss of one.

Hug your kids a little tighter tonight, tell them you love them and for the love of all that is holy, secure your furniture and TV's.

Birth stories and re-birth stories

As I sit here on the eve of my daughter's Angelversary, I vividly remember what this day was like 9 years ago.  Yes, there is the anticipatory grief for I know what tomorrow will bring for me. To say things have changed since then would be a colossal understatement.

Nine years gives you lots of things.  One of the things it gives is perspective.  Another is a greater depth of understanding of grief and how it works.

Tonight, as I always do on December 17th, I am acutely aware not of Meghan's death, but of her last day of LIFE.

If you've had a baby, you probably remember in great detail what you were doing in the 24 hours before your baby was born.  You remember where you were, what you did, who was there, how you felt, what the weather was, what you ate and probably lots of other little seemingly unimportant things that on that very important day, made an impression on you, but likely only after you realized it was going to be a birth day.

It turns out, the same is true for the death of your child.  Although I had no idea this day 9 years ago would be my last one on earth with Meghan, I do remember much about the day and night.  Even the details of the few days leading up to it.

Earlier in the day, she was super-adorable and very daddy focused, which was a new thing.  She clamored for more lap time than usual with me.  She played with my hair.  Yet she was also behaving so mature and grown up all of a sudden.  So much so that I remarked about it.  We had a 'dance party' with her brothers and I to Disney Tunes in the playroom.  We danced around silly to "Under the Sea" and the Lion King tunes and I held her and her twin in my arms and spun around with them to "Circle of Life".  She even walked up to us as we were getting ready to go out for the evening and spontaneously said, "I love you Mommy.  I love you, Daddy" and then ran off. She watched Frosty the Snowman over and over and over. She'd get teary eyed when he melted and then watched intently until the magic hat restored him.  She loved how he came back to life...

We had a neighborhood holiday party that evening across the street.  I remember it was a Friday night.  As we left, she gave me the customary kiss, hug and snuggle.  She told us she loved us and to have a good time! Then it was right back to Frosty! We took our older son, then 6, with us and my aunt came to watch the twins so we could enjoy some grown up time and not have to chase kids all night.  I was melancholy for no particular reason.  I came home around 9 to put our eldest to bed and remember kissing Meg goodnight. She looked so peaceful and beautiful.  Wearing fall jammies instead of winter ones. Snuggled in her pink flower blanket and all her kitties around her.  I knelt on the floor and stroked her hair.  My intent was to go back to the party, but instead I stayed home and went to bed myself not long after that.

I remember she woke up about 4 am crying and telling me she was a 'stinky girl' and needed her pull up changed.  I changed her and put her back to bed.  She woke again a bit later, it wasn't unusual for her to wake a bunch of times. I went to her and told her it wasn't time to get up as it was still very early.  She went back to her bed and I went back to mine.  I had no idea it would be our last interaction.

If only I could go back in time and change that moment.  If only I had stayed up with her.  If only...

Yeah, the 'if only's' help no one.  Least of all, me.  What I have now is today.  And my memories.

I just want everyone to know and remember her.  To know and remember me.  That I still think of her every day.  I'm sad that she died but I'm so grateful I had her for as long as I did.  She didn't just die 9 years ago, she lived for 3 years and 54 days!  This day is sad because it was the last day she lived.  The last day I, and indeed, the world, was blessed with her bright, silly, playful and mischievous light.

We've long known that women tell their birth stories as a way of processing, normalizing and integrating their experiences.  It's a way of passing on our knowledge to others.  Birth is a tremendous transition in your life. Becoming a parent, whether it be for the first time or the fourteenth, is a transition and it changes you.

So too, is the telling of the death story.  Whether it be the day before story like this one, or the actual day of the death in acute detail, there is tremendous value in telling the death story of your child.  Not everyone can or wants to, but for those who find it helpful to process, normalize and integrate their experience, having others who are willing and able to listen and be with them in their grief are truly Heaven sent.  Thank you to those who have been there for me over the years.  You are deeply appreciated.

Like the birth story, the death story often needs to be told more than once.  Sometimes it's annually. Sometimes only when asked.  Sometimes it's when you don't want to hear it. Sometimes it's over and over and over until it makes some sort of sense. When you lose a child, there is the risk it will never make sense. We tell the story as much for us as for you.  All any of us want is for our child to be remembered.  For the emptiness in our hearts to be acknowledged.  It doesn't go away after the first year.  It doesn't ever go away. We might get better at hiding the pain or distracting ourselves from it, but it's always there.

You all learn from it, too.  You learn what it's like for us.  You learn what it's like for others.  You learn how to support and help others in their grief.  You become more comfortable with death and the rituals around it, perhaps even with your own mortality.  You learn empathy and compassion.  You learn what it means to be a really good friend.  It starts a discussion that you might not have otherwise had.  It helps us evolve as parents and families and friends and people.

What I've come to realize is the old adage that when one door closes, another one opens, holds some truth. Meghan's death was indeed a death of many things in my life.  But it also catalyzed a re-birth.  The birth of Meghan's Hope.  The birth of a fearless and confident momma bear.  The birth of a new path of hope, light and love.  I am most certainly not the same person I was before she died.  I am not doing anything I ever thought I would be before she died.  Her life and her death made me a better mother.  A better person.  A better everything.

But tonight, I'd give anything for another kiss, hug and snuggle from her.  To touch her tiny hands.  To hear her whine and cry even!  If I close my eyes and allow myself to go back to this night 9 years ago, I can still feel her little hug, her silky hair against my cheek, her little voice proclaiming her love.

Instead, I will sleep with her kitty.  It's not the same.  Not at all.

God, I miss her...