Sunday, November 25, 2012

How I got my baby girl back

This post has been a difficult one to write.  It's been a full week of processing.  It's a challenge only in that it's difficult to put into words the experience.  Alas, I shall try.  All I ask of you is an open mind.

I often marvel at how the Universe seems to provide for us in ways that cannot be anticipated or even imagined.  Some may say these occurrences are 'coincidence' or 'wishful thinking'.  I do not believe in coincidence.  The hows and whys of that are too complicated and numerous to expound upon here.  Suffice it to say, I do believe everything that happens is connected to something that happened previously and will be connected to the future in some way.

There are gifts in every experience be it perceived as good, bad or indifferent at the time.  Perception, pre-conceived beliefs and fear can all cloud the lessons or gifts in an experience.  Living life with an open mind and an open heart is key.  Scientific theories have been proven wrong before.  Or maybe it's that something that is metaphysical or spiritual can actually co-exist with science.  Many of these experiences cannot be explained, even by science, yet have been experienced by scientists.

First, a bit of background and food for thought.  My family is one that is spiritually 'gifted'.  There are members of my family that could be considered, no, who ARE psychic or at the very least, highly intuitive.  Many others are simply spiritual and open to the fact there is a connection between 'heaven' and earth, between those who have left their bodies in physical death and a belief that their energy, soul or essence lives  on in another space and time.  Some are able to communicate with these 'people', some even see them.  Others feel or hear them.

Believe what you will, but respect that this is a very real thing for many people.  Some know they have a spiritual gift but are afraid of it or don't understand it.  In order to understand this post, you must be open minded and respectful of what I am about to share, regardless of your personal beliefs.

Many people with these 'gifts' do not speak of them with others, especially those not open to the possibility.  Those with the gift, or at least those open minded to the possibility, almost universally believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen and it is all part of a spiritual journey.  We do tend to run into each other in our 'travels' however.  A community of those looking to understand and ultimately, who seek only peace for themselves, their families and the world.

I have a gift.  I am clairvoyant at times, but mostly clairsentient.  I am highly intuitive.  I always have been.  I *know* stuff but it's always a feeling.  It's not clear cut like a billboard message.  I cannot tell you the winning power ball numbers, though I wish I could.  It scares the living crap out of me sometimes and I turn it off.  I ignore it.  Which is unfortunate, because it takes a lot longer for me to arrive at answers that way.  It also makes for 'dis-ease' or an emotional feeling I can't explain until I pay attention to the information and do something with it.

At other times, I am open to it.  I could provide countless examples of personal experience, but this is not a book!  Just take my word for it and when I write the book, you can read the rest!  :-)

I alluded in a previous post to the butterfly effect.  As you know if you know me or have read my blog, I lost a daughter when she was 3.  She was a twin.  Her twin brother, by the way, is also clairvoyant and psychically gifted.  I saw it after she died and I've seen it ever since.  He doesn't talk about it directly, but indirectly in things he says or the questions he asks.  He's beginning to embrace it more.  I wish he could tell me more about his experiences when he was younger.

Meg's death sent me on a journey that started with diving into my faith for about a year.  I was raised Catholic. I sought solace in the church.  I didn't find it there.  For the first time I really paid attention.  I thought about the readings, the recitations, the same-ness of every mass, the dictatorial fear based teachings. It felt cult-ish.  The teachings were in direct opposition to many of the experiences I was having.  I found it difficult to speak out loud for the words were no longer truth to me.  For the first time in my life, I realized the teachings of the church did not resonate with me because I *knew* in the depths of my soul it was not all true.  At least not for me.  I eventually rejected it and embraced spirituality rather than religious doctrine.  I sought to make sense of my experiences.  I read, I received lots of body work, I read, I wrote, I became Reiki certified, I discovered the joy in living life in the moment and in not having expectations.  It was freeing.

Many things happened along the way.  I got divorced.  I met this guy.  We eventually started dating.  We got engaged.  We got married!  Why?  Because is was all absolutely the right thing to do and at exactly the right time.  We somehow knew each other on another plane energetically.  It was just meant to be.  And so it is.  He is a self-proclaimed agnostic and man of science.  He tolerates my spiritual beliefs and pursuits but he doesn't 'buy' them because he, himself, has not had the experience.  He has become more open-minded in the years that we've been together and is interested, but wants hard proof validated by science.

He got his first dose of experience the day he realized people can send/receive energy to each other through my gift of Reiki to him.  He became more open-minded.  He carries the crystals I gave him in his pocket every day.  Perhaps not so much because he believes it will make a difference, but because he knows it can't hurt.  Besides, no one knows they are there.  Except you reading this now, of course.

The more profound realization came the day he proposed.  He *felt* his grandmother's presence and said so with a bewildered tone in his voice and tears in his eyes.  I said, 'Of course you do, she's right there with my grandmother'.  To me, it's as obvious as the sun in the sky.  It just is.

Fast forward six years from when I met this guy, who is now my husband.  In his wedding vows to me, he tearfully mentioned that if he could, he'd reach into the heavens and bring Meggie back to me, even if it meant we wouldn't ever have met or be together.  He's said this many times in our 6 years together.  I think every one of our guests had a tear in their eyes.  I didn't cry, but only because I knew this already.  It's sweet and he means it.  We both know it can't happen, and maybe it somehow was all part of a 'contract' we agreed to before incarnating in this life (if you believe such things) but the sentiment is beautiful and full of love.

In my vows to him, I mentioned how the first time I looked into his eyes, I recognized his soul and knew we were meant to be together.  I thanked him for helping to mend my broken heart and bring the color back to my life and that of my boys.  Not everyone gains a step-angel when they marry.  :-)

We made many choices along the way, individually and together that brought us to last Saturday. If it were not for those choices, it might never have happened.  Of course the simple spiritualistic belief is that it was exactly what was supposed to happen.  The path was there, we just needed to choose it. Here is my best attempt at explaining it in terms that make sense.

We had plans with the boys for last weekend.  One on one time for them with us and they had been looking forward to it for a long time.  We were also hosting friends Saturday evening.  Earlier in the week, a friend had told us about a serendipitous meeting with a very gifted intuitive healer.  She and her family had sessions with this woman and she said it was incredible.  Out of the blue, she asked if we were available on Saturday as she thought, knowing some of our 'issues', we could all benefit from a session if the healer was available and it worked for us.

He looked at me sort of wary and asked me what I thought.  In a heartbeat, I said 'We should do it'.  He asked why.  I explained because it was meant to be.  He hates that!  Still, I left it up to him. Something about it resonated with him, and we rearranged our Saturday to see this earth angel.  Everyone but me was sort of skeptical.  I was told I should go first.

It was a profoundly amazing experience, even for me.  This woman knew nothing of our family other than we were friends of the person who connected us (who she had met literally a few days earlier), I was a Reiki practitioner and we were open to the healing.  Keep in mind, not everything she said during out time together resonated with me, but I was open to the experience and the information and just let it unfold.

I lay on the massage table, took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  She put her hands on me and said something about Pleiades.  She said I am from there.  That may be another post entirely.  It didn't fully resonate, I'd never been told this before, but it is what it is.

Immediately she said something to the effect of "oh, oh my, oh.... honey... oh my, so strong... your heart... it's so very, very broken... oh, sweetie, what happened?"  Impressive.  Really. Is it that energetically obvious?  I told her simply 'My daughter died'.  She fixated on blood.  Lots of blood.  She asked repeatedly if it was hers. I said no, absolutely not.  Not external, not internal bleeding.  She questioned, sort of to no one in particular, "someone in your family...murder?  Has anyone been murdered?" No, not to my knowledge.  "Oh, it's you, you were shot... in a previous lifetime... by a lover, yes, definitely a lover.  Someone you have had a relationship with in this life.  Were you in an abusive relationship?"  Hmmm.  Interesting information.  Resonates with dreams and visions I've had during energy work where I sensed that scenario.  I really didn't say much about it other than "Huh, interesting..."

She moved back to my broken heart.  She said she sensed quite a layer above it.  A wall.  A very tough and well woven wall, protective.  I am living from the wall around my heart, not my true heart.  Fear, pain, it blocks my ability to truly heal and live from my heart.  This is not news to me.  Probably not even hard to guess based on the prior information she received about the death of Meg, but she was right and maybe, just maybe, she could help me break it down.  I want that.  I really do.

She also made note of a hole in my solar plexus.  Not entirely off base, but surprising.  Perhaps I've built a wall there, too?

What happened for the rest of the session was nothing short of energetically amazing.  If you are familiar with energy work, she helped to break up that wall with visualization and energy balancing.  I swear to the heavens I could feel it.  It was a bit surreal.

She said Meggie wanted to know why I can't see her, why I don't pay attention when she is tugging at me trying to get me to see and feel her near.  Answer is simple.  Not ready.  Odd, I know.  You'd think I'd want to see her, want to feel her.  I was much more open to it in the days and weeks after she died, and I did feel her.  Strongly.  I'm much more comfortable with the symbolism like the heart clouds than I am with actually feeling or seeing her presence, although at times I am aware of it.  I'm afraid it would be too painful to truly feel her and certainly to see her.  I can't handle the pain.  It hurts.  Too much.  Integrating the spiritual with the physical loss hurts like hell.  I don't want to feel it.  I know the only way out is through, but dammit, it scares me. I was able to say that out loud, and be heard.  It was... freeing.

She said it wasn't her time to die.  It wasn't supposed to happen that day, that way, but a portal opened, she saw the light, she had to go to it.  She was not destined to live a long life, not more than 5 years the healer said, and her death would still have been tragic, but it wasn't supposed to be then or in that way.  This also resonated with me on some level.  She said she was reluctant to cross over, she didn't want to leave, she knew it wasn't the right time, except she had to, she wanted to know what she did wrong.  This resonated less with me, the part about the crossing over, the part about her not knowing.  I really feel she has crossed over but comes through the veil at will.  I may not always notice, but I do feel it happens.  Others see her.   Literally see her.  Or get message from her.  They are not crazy people, either.

The healer asked Meg to hold my hand and to let her know when I felt her tiny hand in mine.  At first I had a flashback of holding her in the ER after she died, examining her beautiful little hands.  Then I felt a tingle in my hand.  A slight weight. I did. Wishful thinking?  Does it matter?

She asked Meg to lie with me, head on my right shoulder, snuggled up to me (where she always snuggled, same side, same way!) and to tell her when I felt her there.  I DID!  I really did.  Was it memory?  Was it wishful thinking?  Was she really, energetically there?  I felt the weight of her body, or a weight, not her full 28 pounds, I felt the energy.  I *saw* her in a way I can't articulate.  I cried silent hot tears, although I was unaware of it at the time.  The healer said she was tired, she just wanted me to feel her, to hold her.  Ok.  I can do that!  Can I lay here forever like this??? Please?

She spent the next I don't know how long connecting Meg's energy to mine, infusing it with my heart.   I felt it.  It was fascinating and amazing.  I tried not to let my rational mind in on the experience, I just wanted to feel, to let it unfold.  It felt as if the darkness that was there, in that wall covering my heart was becoming brighter, a little ray of light was coming through.  It was warm and tingly.  It was love.  In my mind's eye I saw the most brilliant white and glowing light I've ever seen.  I smiled through the tears.  I felt my baby girl in my arms, in my heart. I really, really did!  Then I started to sob.  Huge, heart wrenching, whole body shaking sobs (and yes, I'm crying now as I write this), a tremendous release of pent up grief, of joy in finding her again, at least energetically, of thankfulness for the tremendous gift I had just been given and in marvel at the Universe for leading me to her this day.  I felt her, I really felt her!  She was back.  Back with her mommy.  Not in body, but in spirit.  The healer and her assistant sobbed right along with me.  The light in my third eye was almost blinding but so, SO beautiful.  Such peace filled my body, my heart, my soul.

There are no words to truly describe what it felt like.  No words to express the depth of my gratitude for the gift I received that day.  It didn't end there.

My boys both got a session as did my husband.  The boys were profoundly impacted as well.  My oldest surprised me not only by being open to the first session, but by willingly and almost excitedly going back for a second the next day.  For someone to be able to reach him on a spiritual and personal level his HUGE.  My youngest, Meg's twin, got validation of his psychic gifts, and also reconnected with his sister.  My husband also received a gift of healing, but he hasn't said much about it.  Nor have the kids.  I know it was beneficial for all of them.  I know it was exactly what we all needed.  I am so grateful for the gift.

We were invited back the next day for a bit more work.  We went.  My session was shorter and focused on opening my very stubborn third eye and reconnecting energy meridians.  It was fascinating as I could feel where the energy was stuck and without saying so out loud, the healer correctly identified it, cleared it (OMG, that was amazing, as if I could feel her hands inside my body pulling out the 'gunk') and helped to balance it.  Chakras connected.  Meridians cleared.  Aura fluffed, dosed with sparkles and sealed, with Meg's energy intertwined with mine.  Tears again.  I emerged with a sense of balance and peace I've not known in a long time, if ever.

It matters not whether or not it makes sense.  If it's 'real' or not.  It was healing on many levels.  It was what we needed.  Individually and as a family.  Such a gift.  It couldn't have been planned.  It could not have even been wished for, for I had no idea such a gifted person was in our midst.  That what I experienced was even possible or needed in that way or at that time, if at all.

It was realized, and said out loud by observation, that if not for the series of life choices and events that transpired to bring us to each other, then to meeting this particular friend who then met and led us to this amazingly gifted earth Angel, that I wouldn't have received the gifts I did.  My gratitude is so difficult to articulate.  Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Thank you for all the people in our lives that led us to that day.  Thank you for the beautiful earth Angel named Christina who helped to heal my entire family.  I am so blessed.

Remember Joe's wedding vows to me?  Last Sunday, November 18th, it was said to me during my session and realized in my heart, that Joe DID bring Meggie back to me.  No, not physically, in the sense he meant for he wanted to prevent it from ever happening in the first place, but energetically.  He gave me a gift of healing and connection I might never have otherwise received.  He brought my baby girl back to me, to my heart.  She is part of me.  I'd lost her in my grief.  He helped me to find her.  He accomplished the one thing he desperately wished he could've done for me and without even realizing that's what he was doing.  Maybe that was why we ended up exactly where we needed to be last weekend.

What is it about the number 18 and that girl???


  1. Wow, just wow! <3 Amazing.

    PS - I so need to see that energy healer!


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